This morning I looked at my children - who were being totally self sufficient getting their breakfast and gear ready for school - and asked myself, why me? This was not one of those "why me?" questions relating to something bad that has happened - but rather the opposite. I don't understand why I am blessed in this way. What have I done that makes me so special - I don't feel special, I'm just me.
In this past year, I have witnessed several of my friends have major marital problems (separations, divorce, etc), child bearing problems (miscarriages, unplanned pregnancies, inability to get pregnant, etc), child rearing problems (their child becomes pregnant, eating disorders, major health problems, etc) and money problems (inability to rent a decent house due to credit, loose their home due to no job, etc). And what have my problems been lately - oh they always seem big in the moment, but in hindsight, they are so small - my washer died (boo hoo, I have to go to the laundromat for a while), my child forgot his lunchbox at school for the 10th time, my dog has a growth on his belly that we can't get checked out because of lack of funds, my husband's car is about to blow up (but hey, it still works, sort of - you may have to climb in through the passenger side door, or you may hear it backfire down the street as it comes near you, but it still runs!), and my house has a smell in it that we can't get rid of, but we're pretty sure it's a dead mouse under the house.
Yesterday I learned that a friend of mine was having to cope with the knowledge that her 11 year old son, a child who is only a year older than my own son, has a serious eating disorder - bulimia. While I ache for my friend, and her family - knowing that they have already had their own trials with their youngest child and his developmental disabilities - I can't help but chastise myself for thinking my own problems were so huge, and for not counting my own blessings. I have been blessed with 2 extremely healthy, well balanced, active, and loving boys (and when we CHOSE to have children, got pregnant extremely fast, and had healthy, uneventful pregnancies). If they get sick, it's with a cold once every couple of years. Our behavioral problems are fairly minor and ordinary - they both are smarty pants - getting amazing grades in school. They are active in church and in boy scouts - shaping their moral minds into something wholesome - and they are pretty darned cute too. Why me?
A week or so back, I was having some issues with my husband - he was in a bit of a funk, could possibly be categorized as depression, though he couldn't tell me if it was how he was feeling, and I suppose I'm not the best at seeing it. Depression is a real sickness, and in my eyes, I wanted him to just name it so we could get it fixed. He's out of his funk now, got some activity, which we all know can combat some signs of depression, and he also took some time out in nature, got away from life's pressures for a moment. Even through all of that, somehow he and I remain strong. We have had to go through some extended family problems, and we have had times of great disagreement... yet there has never, truly, been a time where I wish that I was not married to him. I have wished that I could have space from him for an hour or two, but never not be married to him. Seriously, through thick and thin, we have been there for each other, and I know we always will. And all around me, I have friends who can't say this. It makes my heart ache, and it makes my mind go dizzy. I can't seem to understand why I can be so sure about something - which was why I made the commitment in the first place - and why someone else can't. I can't seem to understand why someone would fall out of love with another - for some reason, in my head it just doesn't compute - and perhaps that is because I truly have found my soul mate and this won't happen to me. It's hard to understand something when you haven't ever gone through it before. But how did I get so lucky? Not many people can say that they have married their first and only boyfriend... I can. And going on 14 years of marriage later, we truly are still strong. I love the nut, and for some reason, he loves me. Why me?
My house is nothing like I imagined I'd be in. There is no flooring at the moment - just pained particle board - and it's been this way for 3 years now with no end in sight. There is something dead under the house - most likely a rat - that is stinking up my kitchen. It's a mobile home that is worth pretty much nothing, and if we ever decide to move, we will probably have to walk away from it and the investment we have put in will be wasted. My bathroom sink ONLY does hot water, and the floor under the toilet area is rotted due to a leak that was unnoticed for a while. In fact, I accidentally stepped through the linoleum one day, and now it's patched up with pink duct tape. Yes, our home has a lot of issues. I am not happy with my home - and yet, instead of all this negative, I SHOULD be thinking of my blessings. I HAVE a home. I have a roof over my head. I have someplace warm to be during the cold nights. My home is safe, and my children feel safe in my home. Because of this home, we are able to provide other things for our children, that if we lived somewhere that cost more, we could not provide (i.e. pay for sporting and musical activities, summer camps, etc). For better or worse, it is my home. Why me?
So, I continue to ask myself : Why me? Why am I so blessed to have this while someone else may have to go through hell. I don't understand it. I refuse to think of the idea that was placed in my head when I was a child - God does good things for good people. I don't always feel like I'm a good person, or that I always do good things. And I feel like all my friends are good people, yet they don't always have good things happen to them. I also refuse to believe in the idea that if you believe in God that good things will happen to you. Many of my friends believe in God, yet this is not the case. I constantly struggle with the fact that I have been so very blessed - and I don't know why. And sometimes I feel guilty about having so many blessings, and not recognizing them daily.
So, today... I choose to pray for my friends in need, and to count my blessings - starting with the two that hugged me good-bye this morning before they walked themselves to school - and try to be thankful instead of wondering: Why me?
