pretending to be happy

Pretending to be happy is all I know what to do right now. We all pretend to be happy when we are really hurting... Me? I don't often like to open up until I end up bursting, then I can't help it.

I'm at an almost bursting point right now... but when someone asks me "How are you doing?" - the only thing I know to answer is "great! how about you?" with a big smile. I figured no one really wants to know that deep inside, I'm questioning some my current career path - that I love working, I love where I work, I love what I do, but finding myself feeling so unsettled and not sure about things, and feeling like I haven't been very affective lately at my job. No one really wants to know that I don't really have it all together. That at any second, all the balls will drop, or can drop, and that when they do, I'll be a mess. No one wants to know how stressed I am, every single day. That I say yes to things, and constantly regret them, but because of how I was raised, and my ethics, I almost never take back that yes (the only times have been if there is something really important preventing me from doing it that I neglected to look at).

I pretend to be happy, but most days, I just want someone to call me up and say "hey, how are you doing? are you buys for lunch?" or have my husband surprise me with a dinner date. I pretend to be happy when it occurs to me that I have gone a full week without a single friend calling me up - all because I've been so busy I haven't had time to breath. Maybe they have been busy too, but at that moment, I'm selfish, and sad.

When talking to someone who clearly has major problems that they need help with - and a shoulder to cry on or lean on - I pretend to be happy. Pretend that I don't have any problems, because mine are so much more insignificant compared to theirs, and in that moment, they are the ones who matter, not me.

Most days, I look like I have it all together. I have a smile on my face, and I often ignore everything that is bothering me...Today, I want my family together. I don't want to be so needed by everyone. I don't want to care about money (my money, or the money of the organization I work for). I don't want to worry about my friends going through divorces, or family members having marriage problems. I don't want to think about my child's attitude problems due to screen time - and heck yeah, I want to just plug them in because I want to relax myself. I don't want to be responsible - or be the ONLY one responsible.... cleaning up after everyone, being the bad guy saying no, cleaning up after kid puke, cat puke or dog poop.

The Sun is out, it is shining. I should be happy. God is good, I should be happy.  My kids are amazing, I have a great marriage - not devoid of problems, but we work them out - I should be happy. I have an amazing job, a great church family, I should be happy. I should be happy because I am relatively well, I don't get sick very often. I should be happy because our money problems are stabilizing - not out of the wood works yet, but oh so much better then they were a year ago. So, why am I only pretending today to be happy. Why do I have this super hollow feeling inside - and why do I not feel like what I'm doing, and what is going on around me, is enough - to fulfill me, to make me the person I want to be, to please others and my family, etc.

So, today, when I'm out an about, I suppose I'll continue to pretend to be happy - it's all I know how to do right now.