Having Doubts

I do not pretend to be any biblical scholar. I wasn't raised baptist, so don't even think about asking me to repeat bible verses, or where they might be. I think one time I got the Beatitudes confused with my favorite verse found in Micah. I probably could tell you most of the old testament stories though, and I know most of Jesus' parables - generally speaking of course. I know somewhere in the bible there is this story about Jesus and children. Jesus is in a town, preaching, and the children want to see him, but the adults are saying no to them. It's then that Jesus tells them to let the children see him, for they are the path to heaven - seeing Jesus as children see Jesus.

OK, I'm sure that some biblical scholar, pastor, or devout conservative Christian, may not like my little paraphrase there, but that is how I have interpreted it throughout my years. It is this story I thought of when  the subject of doubt came to my mind.

Let me back up a little bit. I have worked with children most of my life - and all ages, from infant up through High School. I have 2 children of my own, and I often help out my friends with children. We as a society see children as innocent - and they are. Children don't know how to hate until they are taught to hate. Well, I think this is the same about doubt. Children don't doubt, until they have something to doubt. When was the first time that doubt crept into your mind? For me, I think it was when I learned there was no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fair, or any other magical/mythical being. How could I not have doubt over something I couldn't see, now that I knew these things were not real after years of believing in them. You may think that this thought moved over to my spiritual life as well, but I do not remember ever doubting the presence of God.

Is there a God? Doesn't everyone think about this at some point in their lives? Well, remember, I said that I did not, and have not, ever doubted there is a God. I have, however, doubted my spirituality. I have doubted the way I see God, the way others see God. I have doubted that my way is the "right" way. I even have a lingering doubt on whether there is a heaven or not - but I have never doubted my creator. I think it's because at the very depth of me, I feel God. I have tried to doubt, I have tried to deny that feeling... but it's always been there.

I remember a time when I came to college at Humboldt State University. Ah... the early 20's - the time you realize you don't know everything. Most of my friends were saying there wasn't a God, or they were calling themselves "Agnostic" - a new term for me. As I was beginning to agree with them, I found myself talking to God (usually in the car - my favorite place to have these conversations) - asking God what he thought about my doubt. I look back now, and think, first of all, how odd that was - to ask the very being if it was OK to doubt him, or not to believe at all. I also realized that because I had this overwhelming desire to pray and have a conversation with God, I could no longer try to doubt or deny that there was a God at all to have a conversation with. 

I guess it was then that I began doubting my religion - and my way of thinking. As many young adults feel, I could not be a part of a movement that was so hypocritical. If you can't practice what you preach, then it's not for me. I doubted being part of a religion that seemed to encourage the judgement of others, condemned people who believed differently, was anti-homosexual, encouraged the marriage of politics and faith as if they were one idea, and felt that the idea of creation was one that was solid and true from the bible - which meant that all our scientific findings were wrong.

It took me 7 years to work my way through all of this. I came from a Methodist background, married a man from a Unitarian background - tried all sorts of churches, from Southern Baptist, to Unitarian Universalist, to Presbyterian and even dabbled a bit in Buddhism. What happened is, after all that time, I found myself coming full circle, back to the Methodist Church.

I've heard throughout my years that Methodism is the "wimpy religion" - meaning that Methodists can believe in anything and everything. At my church, I often hear people say - "It doesn't matter what you believe here." Hm, that makes me think.... is that true? Well, don't misunderstand me when I say this... if you consider yourself a Methodist, meaning you pledge to be a member of the United Methodist Church, then you believe in God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. If you say you are a Methodist, there are some core beliefs that you have in common with all others who call themselves "Methodists" - so Methodists DO have beliefs, and it does matter what a Methodist believes.  BUT... (and here is what I think people are trying to say) you do NOT have to be a Methodist to go to a Methodist church. You do NOT have to have the same beliefs to be a part of Methodist Worship. You do not have to prescribe to some sort of dogma in order to worship, pray, give, receive communion, and encompass yourself as part of a church family in the Methodist Church. And, as a member of the United Methodist Church it is OK to have doubts.

This is WHY I'm a Methodist! I have doubts - though I HAVE decided that I do believe in a set of core values that is central to the Methodist church - one of those values being that I believe that there IS a God. I don't know if my interpretation of God, or my understanding of God is "right" and I'm sure it differs from everyone else in my church family.  But, I am accepted and loved at the United Methodist Church of the Joyful Healer - and I'm proud to call myself a Methodist - doubts and all.