Of Service and In Service....

"To serve is beautiful, but only if it is done with joy and a whole heart and a free mind"

Pearl S. Buck (1892-1973) American novelist

 

I have been thinking a lot about service. When one decides to become a member of the Methodist church, they pledge to be faithful to God through Prayers,  Presences,  Gifts and  Service (and  Witness is in there somewhere too). 

 

I often have to look for volunteers for things - it's hard, and exhausting. I feel often that I am asking the same people, because I somehow know I'll get them to help one way or the other. If I put out an open-ended invitation to volunteer in service, I usually get no one. I take on a lot of service myself, sometimes because I truly want to - but most times because I feel like "If not me, then who?" 

 

And then I saw the above quote, and it got me thinking about why people do, or don't, volunteer. Service should NOT be a chore. When it starts feeling like a chore, you have probably reached burn out. Sometimes, those of us who volunteer can become resentful of those who do not - I am so very guilty of this. Sometimes I have a running dialog in my head - "Why doesn't Jane Doe ever volunteer?" or "Why does Jon Doe say that he wants to volunteer, but when volunteers are asked for, he never steps up?" I find that I have to remind myself about why we feel motivated to volunteer - remember that payoff I spoke of in a different post. Service should be done with Joy - if you don't have the payoff of Joy, then why are you serving? Service should be done with the whole heart - if you are only serving because you feel you should - that your heart is not fully into your service - why are you serving? Service should be done with a free mind - free will, we do service because we WANT to, not because we HAVE to, not because it is a chore for us. 

 

I was not raised with these ideas. I remember often hearing that exasperated tone in my parents' voice when there was a "Trustee Work Day" at church -- "Why do we HAVE to go mom? I don't want to clean up the church." -- "Because that is what you do when you are part of the church. you don't have to like it, but you HAVE to serve. If you didn't serve, then nothing would get done, the church would fall apart. It is up to everyone to do their part - it is what you need to do as a member of the church." I'm sure that most parents force their children to do service now and again, because otherwise, how will children even learn to experience service. But I could always tell that my parents felt this way themselves -- they didn't necessarily want to do the service either - but they felt guilty if they didn't help out in some way, and they felt it was their job, their duty, as members of the church.  There was never any joy in serving. Our heart wasn't really in it, and with a free mind? yeah, right!  

 

I think that my upbringing in service has tainted the way I see service. I find myself criticizing those who do not serve. I find myself wanting to make them feel guilty so that they WILL serve.  But... wouldn't it be better to find a way into their heart so that they will serve with joy, instead of requiring service and having malice in their heart the entire time they are serving? 

 

I wish I knew what that magic element was to encourage service in others.  I could REALLY use some Sunday School teachers - but... I come up against a couple of brick walls - Some are totally afraid to help - feeling like they don't know how to work with children. Others are parents who just want a break (I totally understand - I'm a parent too). I don't want to guilt people into doing something like this -- "If we don't have anyone who volunteers, we won't have ANY Sunday School." -- the children will ultimately be the ones who suffer from this if their teachers are not fully into their service with joy and free will. 

So, I'm still struggling. I understand that some people are just not there - spiritually. They don't feel led to be in service, or of service, in a particular area, such as Sunday School. Some people are felt to lead in other areas of the church - they are already helping joyfully.  Some people have served so much in their life that they are tired - they are burnt out. They no longer feel joy when they serve. We are all in a different spot. I think I'm in the middle of serving Joyfully and burnout.  I LOVE teaching Sunday School. But some days it feels like a chore.  I enjoy being a tech person and helping out with the PowerPoint presentations during worship - but I definitely could use a break there.  I REALLY want to help out with service out in the community - like our monthly Joyful Hammer work day at Patrick's Point State Park -- but I don't have the time.

 

I just want to leave you with  something that happened to our own family just a few weeks ago. I have probably gone a little far the other way, and I don't require service of my children. Sometimes they end up doing it automatically just because I am - and if they are around, I'll ask for help. They usually do it. Well, on April 13th, my son asked me if he could work with his Boy Scout troop at the Patrick's Point clean up day. I'm sure that a little peer pressure helped there, as all the other boys were going to do it. But, I asked him - "Are you sure you want to?" -- "Of course Mom" came the response! So, I hope that I can continue to find myself joyfully in service to others and of service to my church - and that my own children will learn this as well. 

 

"The meaning of life is to find your gift - the purpose of life is to give it away!" - Unknown

 May you find your gifts in service!

 

Question #5

I'm skipping around I suppose. This question called to me - yes, I needed to reflect on it.

Am I a slave to dress, friends, work or habits?

Yes, I am. I don't think I'm such a slave to dress - I don't have to have designer clothes, and I often buy my clothes from the thrift shop. I have my own style and my own tastes. They are perhaps influenced by those around me, but when it comes to dress, I am not a slave to those influences.

I am, however a slave to my friends and work - for sure. I am a people pleaser. I often do things so that people will like me. I do more at work for recognition. I am a slave to my work because I want to do a good job. I am a slave to the people at work because I have a hard time with my boundaries and I can't seem to always say no. I work on this constantly. I often feel like if I were to really try to NOT be a slave to work or friends that I would become a bitch - or I guess really that I would be seen as a bitch.

So, you know that golden rule - do unto others as you would have them do unto you (or something like that). Maybe I take that too literally. I am a slave to my friends, doing countless favors to them, because I suppose I hope that one day they can return me the favors. If I was in need, I would hope that my friends would be there for me. I am a slave to work, doing things often above and beyond - not sure why I do this, but it's in my nature I suppose. I don't know how to not do it. Some weeks, I don't give work 110%, and I feel like crap because of this - like I've let them down in some way.  And in some cases, I now feel that people have come to expect things of me, so when I really want to tell them no, I can't, I feel I have no place to do so.

Let me reflect a bit more on work. I work at a church - my church. I have been told by a variety of people at my job that they don't want me to NOT come to worship on Sundays because I need a "break" from work. That people are asking me too many work questions on Sunday. My response is often - I don't mind. I suppose this is not entirely true - and my boundaries are not well defined on a Sunday morning. Here is as defined as I can get. If it revolves around the Sunday Service - if something that I have done during the week has made it such that something is not going smooth. If I forgot to print out enough bulletins, or if I forgot to put out a sign up sheet for something - basically if I should have done something during the week, and I have forgotten it on Sunday - I need to do it, and I don't mind being asked. If someone is trying to use the office equipment on Sunday - the copier, computer, etc - and they don't know how - please, by all means, ask me. This will save me, and you, heartache in the end. If someone is asking me to do something next week - leave a note on my desk. If you are wanting to sign up for something - leave a note on my desk (or sign up for it on the welcome table if that is where it is). If you want something announced in the bulletin - send me an email, please! If I got something wrong with some sort of announcement (i.e. date, time, etc) just announce it and send me and email or leave me a note gently reminding me of it. Most likely it was a typo. If I am on vacation, and it's not an emergency - don't call me on Sunday. What's an emergency? The PowerPoint NOT turning on properly is NOT an emergency. All the computers blowing up and I may have chaos in the office when I get back on Monday - that may be considered a minor emergency. Yeah, OK... no clear, black and white, boundaries for me. It's a grey area, I think. I mean, I feel it comes as part of the job. If you don't see me all week, and then on Sunday, you see me and ,oh, you remembered something you wanted to talk to me about, work related, I totally understand why you are coming up to me to talk to me about it - but really, leave me a note. I won't remember what it is you want me to do otherwise.

I suppose, in order for me to NOT be a slave to my work, I need to work a little harder on my boundaries. I have this book - boundaries... It's a christian book, maybe you've heard of it. I have the workbook too. yeah, I started it, and then I put it down about a year ago. Perhaps I should pick it back up again.

So, now, am I a slave to my habits. Actually, I almost wish I was a slave to my habits. I wish that my habits of working out, eating right, praying, reading, etc were ingrained enough that I absolutely had to do them or life would stop. When I do these healthy habits, I am such a better person. I'm not a slave to my bad habits either... Thank goodness I am not addicted to any substance that I have to be a slave to. I think that being a slave to your habits - your good, healthy habits, is not necessarily a bad thing.

Question #2

Here is Question #2 of Wesleyan Spiritual Practice - Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?

As a society, I think we exaggerate a lot. If you want a certain type of reaction, you have to exaggerate, or else no one notices.

I'm sure sometimes I exaggerate. When my kids are doing something annoying - I probably exaggerate the extent of their annoyance - I want the mom sympathy vote.

My husband sometimes accuses me of exaggerating time - I have what he calls "chronic time urgency" - so I am constantly exaggerating how little time we have. Hey, I don't like to be late.

I exaggerate my husband's short comings - using words like "always" and "never" - I know I do this a lot. Sometimes, in the moment, it "feels" like always, and never... but in reality, that is not the case.

Sometimes I exaggerate my attitude. I get depressed often - but I don't want to show it if I can help it. Usually you know if it's popping through, it's because I have exaggerated the happy attitude too much, and it has become exhausting to keep it up.

Sometimes, when things are going bad - I can exaggerate the awfulness.  Sometimes, it really is a bunch of stuff going on all at once - like yesterday - I swear it was one bad thing after another. And sometimes it's not a lot of bad stuff, but I might exaggerate it a little because I'm feeling so horrible - I feel I have to justify why I feel that way. 

Why is it that I always over exaggerate the bad - and not the good.  I don't think I have really over exaggerated the amount of money I donate to any charity or cause - maybe because I am ashamed at how little I do donate. Some people, I suppose, my feel that guilt and exaggerate the amount. I think if I did that, I would feel even more guilty. I have to be honest with myself - because I know that in turn is being honest with God. No one else is going to know if I have exaggerated or not - but God will.

Weslyan Questions - #1

Every day, members of the John Wesley's Holy Club asked themselves 22 questions in their private, daily devotions. Funny thing is, these questions are startlingly relevant today. Well, I want to take a little time to reflect on each question. I'm sure these will kick my butt!


Question 1: Am I consciously, or unconsciously, creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I a hypocrite?

No, I'm not a hypocrite... I'm just that awesome! -- ha ha... yeah right.
 
As I think on this question - my answer is most definitely YES. More unconsciously then consciously I'm sure - and also more because I have the best of intentions, just no follow through. In this area, I think more about my parenting.  There are some things that I know I've done right.  Bed time routine, for example, I nailed it right on the head. Other things, not so much. I see other kids get a bunch of screen time - their moms placing them in front of the TV for a movie, or to play video games. My favorite thing to say "Oh, I ONLY let my children have 30 min. a day of screen time. That is the recommended limit, after all." Reality - I'm a total hypocrite! Most school days my kids don't get a lot of time with screens, but 30 minutes? yeah right. That is so much easier said then done. An hour, or more, is more like it. 

Here is something I think about with this question spiritually - I am a Methodist. The Methodist slogan is Open Doors, Open Minds, Open Hearts (OK, maybe not in that order... I can't remember). I tell people that this is what I believe - but do I really? 

Open Doors - yes, I do believe in open doors. We should be a group of people who accept and welcome everyone! Then I started to think this - If someone, or a group of people, came in who looked as though they were obvious transients, would I welcome them? Well, at work, I do - because I have to. It's my job to be kind, and gentle. "How can I help you?" is my attitude. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your hard story" I say with a smile - give out food, phone numbers "sure, you can sit on the couch for a while out of the rain." - I would want someone to do the same for me, truly. Our church's extreme weather shelter is for people who are homeless, local or transient. Should I be open to them coming into my church for this necessity. I would be perfectly OK with helping them. Every person deserves respect and a chance to not freeze at night. I would welcome them. BUT, cue the exact same person, or group of people, coming into church on Sunday - I probably would not give them the time of day. I'm being honest here - if I saw the same sort of person come in, I would probably put up my radar, and I would be cautious. I would make sure my children steered away from this person - and I would probably watch these people like a hawk to make sure that they are being appropriate in the building. I most likely would not walk up to any of them and ask them how I could help them out, or if they needed help. I probably would not offer anything. I kind of don't like these thoughts. But if I'm being honest, take off my "Office Coordinator" hat and put on my "mama bear" hat, I don't want be "open" during my time in my safe church to someone that I obviously have a small wall in my brain against.

Open Minds - is my mind TRULY open to other people's points of view. I have always been able to see both sides of any issue - I often like to play devil's advocate. Thing is, just because I can see both sides doesn't always mean I can accept the other side as valid. Case and point - some conservative ways of thinking. While I can see their view on some issues like gun control or abortion, I cannot bring myself to accept their point of view. Sometimes, deep inside, I really feel they are wrong because they don't have the same view on some issues as I do. Outwardly, I may sound differently, even accepting of their point of view, because I don't want to cause any arguments - deep down I am different. It is one reason I do not talk politics with many of my friends and family. I have many conservative friends - and most of my natal family have conservative ideals. I learned to either say that I agree with them, and move on, or not talk about it at all. I have learned how to be the best hypocrite in this area.
 
Open Hearts - I feel that my heart is open - to all those who are in pain. I get a prayer request throughout my week - and I pray for everyone on the list - sometimes several times. I do not like knowing people are in pain. I probably would pray for the same transient people I listed above. I don't wish anyone ill will - and I'm being totally honest. 

Wow, when I started out with this questions, I didn't expect it to end like this. Now I need to decide what to do with my revelations. How can I change my hypocrisy? Do I want to?

Caring is Exhausting...

Some days I wish I didn't care! I think this is true for a lot of us. Caring can be exhausting, it IS exhausting . Most of the time, we care so much that we burn out. We either don't care for ourselves, and so therefor burn out happens, or sometimes we don't get something in return, causing burn out.  We all know that we say that we don't do something in order to get something out of it, but I have to go with Dr. Phil on this one...ALL actions have some sort of payoff. We ALWAYS get something out of every deed we do. Sometimes that payoff is the good feelings we get from helping someone in need. They don't have to do the reciprocating, the reciprocation of caring is in the deed.  Sometimes our pay off is a simple thank you, sometimes our pay off is money, or someone else doing a good deed for us (pay back) or for some a deed for others (pay it forward).

But there comes a time where you still continue to care - and there is no payoff. Perhaps what was working for you before - that good feeling of doing something nice, or calling up a friend out of the blue to hear their voice - isn't working anymore, and when this happens, caring feels like it doesn't matter. When our caring goes unnoticed - sometimes we stop noticing too.

I have reached that point - I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to care that I have few friends who call me up, just to see how I'm doing or to ask if I want lunch. I don't want to care that my church is always a mess because others don't clean up after themselves and there is no pride in the building. I don't want to care that parents don't often take the common courtesies to notify me if their child cannot make a lesson - or they conveniently forget.  I don't want to care that people take advantage of my good nature and call me at 9pm at night for something they need done the next day.

I really DON'T want to care about all that - but I do. I DON'T want to care what others think of me if I didn't care about all that, but I do. I DON'T want to care about how I would feel, ultimately, if  I really didn't care - but I do.

Truth is - 90% of the time, I clean up my church because I love my church and I want it to look nice - and if this means taking an extra hour out of my day to vacuum and take care of chairs - I do it. 90% of the time, I call up my friends because I want the pleasure of their company - and I know that they are busy and unable to think past their own list of items to do. 90% of the time I am silently relieved when I don't have to teach a lesson - though I'm sad for not having the extra income - I usually have so much on my list to do, it lightens the load.  90% of the time, I'm happy to help out in any way I can, and whether it's my job or not to be available at 9pm to do a work project, I enjoy it, and glad that I'm able to help out.

It's what happens the other 10% of the time that is hard. It sometimes worries me. I would be so easy to shut down and not care. But that's not me. 10% of the time I want to yell at someone to clean up their own mess instead of making me do it. 10% of the time I want to criticize my friends - telling them that I'm busy and I seem to find the time for my friends, why can't they! 10% of the time, I want to say "No, I can't do that project, it's 9pm and this is MY time - get a life and maybe stop procrastinating." 10% of the time I want to stop teaching because I just don't want to deal with parents any more.

Now I'm thinking about the few people who probably know me who read this blog are probably wondering am I talking about you? I dunno - I'm sure I've been guilty of doing one of the above to someone else (except the procrastinating... you all know I'm NOT a procrastinator) The thing is this week, I have been exhausted by caring - it makes me rather sad actually. I don't want to NOT care. I don't want people to stop coming to me with their problems, or to stop asking me to do special projects.  But, it's obvious that I'm not getting any payoff at this point. What has changed? I don't know. Maybe I do want a little recognition - I don't need it always, but sometimes it would be nice. Maybe I do need someone to call me out of the blue and ask me to lunch. I don't mentioned these things so that all of a sudden, others feel bad.  I bet if you look deep down - you feel this way sometimes too. OK, maybe I do wish that people would not procrastinate and would maybe think about how that affects other people. :) I guess what I'm trying to say is that the next time we see someone who doesn't seem to care - think about the times where you have gotten exhausted from caring. Perhaps they are in that space at that moment in time.

I don't want to NOT care - but that is how it is today. May you care deeply in my stead, and I'll try to be back up and running in no time.

Death & Rebirth

It's only a few days after Easter - so my mind has been on death - and rebirth. I think one of the things I struggle the most is the story of Easter. I suppose I am a bit of a doubting Thomas - I know that believing is seeing - and perhaps its a bit more in the language, but I just have a hard time with the resurrection of Jesus.

At times I think this is because of my own thoughts on mortality. Eventually I will die - I know this - and it scares me. Not death itself, but what comes after. Rationally, I cannot understand the idea of not feeling - of not thinking. When I am dead, my brain - my consciousness - will no longer be functioning.  There is not thought - there is no feeling. My soul will be someplace good, at least I want to believe that. But how will I truly know that I have gone to Heaven if I can't even think. I wrestle with this almost daily.

Recently, my husband and I have been watching the amc TV show - Walking Dead. I suppose I should be glad that there is not the alternative of becoming a zombie after death. But something that is interesting to me that I have picked up in this show is the ability to actually KILL a zombie - you have to shoot (or stab, or mangle) them in the BRAIN. Why the brain? Is it because there is no longer any consciousness? Do you have any thought while a zombie? What does a zombie think about?

This now makes me think of another movie - The Matrix. What is reality - but pictures interpreted by our BRAIN. Or as my husband would say, are we all just a brain in a vat somewhere?

So, if there is "rebirth" - but we don't have a brain to be interpreting it - how do we know it's there?

This is my philosophical side - the skeptic. 

In my gut - what I feel is the depths of my soul - I have this overwhelming feeling that it will all be made clear to me - but only when the time comes. I try to force myself to believe what everyone says, because it could be true - and because someone, something (God?) is pushing me to let the questions go.

There is a part of me that wants to, so desperately needs to, believe that not only is there some sort of afterlife, but also that it is something that we can interpret - that we can feel in some sort of way. I like the idea that when someone dies, they somehow look after you - whether its in some sort of spirit (ghost?) form, or their soul, but in some way helping you, guiding you. I like the idea that when I die, that it is another part of the journey - that it isn't just over and that's all there is. I like the idea of re-birth - and it's because of this that I do like the resurrection story - because it reinforces the idea of something more - and that I am worthy of it.

And then, maybe the Buddhists have it right - and we go through reincarnation - that through many re-births, we will learn from our past mistakes and eventually find everlasting peace. If this is true, I want to come back as a cat in my next life so I can learn to relax!