Death & Rebirth

It's only a few days after Easter - so my mind has been on death - and rebirth. I think one of the things I struggle the most is the story of Easter. I suppose I am a bit of a doubting Thomas - I know that believing is seeing - and perhaps its a bit more in the language, but I just have a hard time with the resurrection of Jesus.

At times I think this is because of my own thoughts on mortality. Eventually I will die - I know this - and it scares me. Not death itself, but what comes after. Rationally, I cannot understand the idea of not feeling - of not thinking. When I am dead, my brain - my consciousness - will no longer be functioning.  There is not thought - there is no feeling. My soul will be someplace good, at least I want to believe that. But how will I truly know that I have gone to Heaven if I can't even think. I wrestle with this almost daily.

Recently, my husband and I have been watching the amc TV show - Walking Dead. I suppose I should be glad that there is not the alternative of becoming a zombie after death. But something that is interesting to me that I have picked up in this show is the ability to actually KILL a zombie - you have to shoot (or stab, or mangle) them in the BRAIN. Why the brain? Is it because there is no longer any consciousness? Do you have any thought while a zombie? What does a zombie think about?

This now makes me think of another movie - The Matrix. What is reality - but pictures interpreted by our BRAIN. Or as my husband would say, are we all just a brain in a vat somewhere?

So, if there is "rebirth" - but we don't have a brain to be interpreting it - how do we know it's there?

This is my philosophical side - the skeptic. 

In my gut - what I feel is the depths of my soul - I have this overwhelming feeling that it will all be made clear to me - but only when the time comes. I try to force myself to believe what everyone says, because it could be true - and because someone, something (God?) is pushing me to let the questions go.

There is a part of me that wants to, so desperately needs to, believe that not only is there some sort of afterlife, but also that it is something that we can interpret - that we can feel in some sort of way. I like the idea that when someone dies, they somehow look after you - whether its in some sort of spirit (ghost?) form, or their soul, but in some way helping you, guiding you. I like the idea that when I die, that it is another part of the journey - that it isn't just over and that's all there is. I like the idea of re-birth - and it's because of this that I do like the resurrection story - because it reinforces the idea of something more - and that I am worthy of it.

And then, maybe the Buddhists have it right - and we go through reincarnation - that through many re-births, we will learn from our past mistakes and eventually find everlasting peace. If this is true, I want to come back as a cat in my next life so I can learn to relax!