Some days I wish I didn't care! I think this is true for a lot of us. Caring can be exhausting, it IS exhausting . Most of the time, we care so much that we burn out. We either don't care for ourselves, and so therefor burn out happens, or sometimes we don't get something in return, causing burn out. We all know that we say that we don't do something in order to get something out of it, but I have to go with Dr. Phil on this one...ALL actions have some sort of payoff. We ALWAYS get something out of every deed we do. Sometimes that payoff is the good feelings we get from helping someone in need. They don't have to do the reciprocating, the reciprocation of caring is in the deed. Sometimes our pay off is a simple thank you, sometimes our pay off is money, or someone else doing a good deed for us (pay back) or for some a deed for others (pay it forward).
But there comes a time where you still continue to care - and there is no payoff. Perhaps what was working for you before - that good feeling of doing something nice, or calling up a friend out of the blue to hear their voice - isn't working anymore, and when this happens, caring feels like it doesn't matter. When our caring goes unnoticed - sometimes we stop noticing too.
I have reached that point - I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to care that I have few friends who call me up, just to see how I'm doing or to ask if I want lunch. I don't want to care that my church is always a mess because others don't clean up after themselves and there is no pride in the building. I don't want to care that parents don't often take the common courtesies to notify me if their child cannot make a lesson - or they conveniently forget. I don't want to care that people take advantage of my good nature and call me at 9pm at night for something they need done the next day.
I really DON'T want to care about all that - but I do. I DON'T want to care what others think of me if I didn't care about all that, but I do. I DON'T want to care about how I would feel, ultimately, if I really didn't care - but I do.
Truth is - 90% of the time, I clean up my church because I love my church and I want it to look nice - and if this means taking an extra hour out of my day to vacuum and take care of chairs - I do it. 90% of the time, I call up my friends because I want the pleasure of their company - and I know that they are busy and unable to think past their own list of items to do. 90% of the time I am silently relieved when I don't have to teach a lesson - though I'm sad for not having the extra income - I usually have so much on my list to do, it lightens the load. 90% of the time, I'm happy to help out in any way I can, and whether it's my job or not to be available at 9pm to do a work project, I enjoy it, and glad that I'm able to help out.
It's what happens the other 10% of the time that is hard. It sometimes worries me. I would be so easy to shut down and not care. But that's not me. 10% of the time I want to yell at someone to clean up their own mess instead of making me do it. 10% of the time I want to criticize my friends - telling them that I'm busy and I seem to find the time for my friends, why can't they! 10% of the time, I want to say "No, I can't do that project, it's 9pm and this is MY time - get a life and maybe stop procrastinating." 10% of the time I want to stop teaching because I just don't want to deal with parents any more.
Now I'm thinking about the few people who probably know me who read this blog are probably wondering am I talking about you? I dunno - I'm sure I've been guilty of doing one of the above to someone else (except the procrastinating... you all know I'm NOT a procrastinator) The thing is this week, I have been exhausted by caring - it makes me rather sad actually. I don't want to NOT care. I don't want people to stop coming to me with their problems, or to stop asking me to do special projects. But, it's obvious that I'm not getting any payoff at this point. What has changed? I don't know. Maybe I do want a little recognition - I don't need it always, but sometimes it would be nice. Maybe I do need someone to call me out of the blue and ask me to lunch. I don't mentioned these things so that all of a sudden, others feel bad. I bet if you look deep down - you feel this way sometimes too. OK, maybe I do wish that people would not procrastinate and would maybe think about how that affects other people. :) I guess what I'm trying to say is that the next time we see someone who doesn't seem to care - think about the times where you have gotten exhausted from caring. Perhaps they are in that space at that moment in time.
I don't want to NOT care - but that is how it is today. May you care deeply in my stead, and I'll try to be back up and running in no time.
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