This morning I looked at my children - who were being totally self sufficient getting their breakfast and gear ready for school - and asked myself, why me? This was not one of those "why me?" questions relating to something bad that has happened - but rather the opposite. I don't understand why I am blessed in this way. What have I done that makes me so special - I don't feel special, I'm just me.
In this past year, I have witnessed several of my friends have major marital problems (separations, divorce, etc), child bearing problems (miscarriages, unplanned pregnancies, inability to get pregnant, etc), child rearing problems (their child becomes pregnant, eating disorders, major health problems, etc) and money problems (inability to rent a decent house due to credit, loose their home due to no job, etc). And what have my problems been lately - oh they always seem big in the moment, but in hindsight, they are so small - my washer died (boo hoo, I have to go to the laundromat for a while), my child forgot his lunchbox at school for the 10th time, my dog has a growth on his belly that we can't get checked out because of lack of funds, my husband's car is about to blow up (but hey, it still works, sort of - you may have to climb in through the passenger side door, or you may hear it backfire down the street as it comes near you, but it still runs!), and my house has a smell in it that we can't get rid of, but we're pretty sure it's a dead mouse under the house.
Yesterday I learned that a friend of mine was having to cope with the knowledge that her 11 year old son, a child who is only a year older than my own son, has a serious eating disorder - bulimia. While I ache for my friend, and her family - knowing that they have already had their own trials with their youngest child and his developmental disabilities - I can't help but chastise myself for thinking my own problems were so huge, and for not counting my own blessings. I have been blessed with 2 extremely healthy, well balanced, active, and loving boys (and when we CHOSE to have children, got pregnant extremely fast, and had healthy, uneventful pregnancies). If they get sick, it's with a cold once every couple of years. Our behavioral problems are fairly minor and ordinary - they both are smarty pants - getting amazing grades in school. They are active in church and in boy scouts - shaping their moral minds into something wholesome - and they are pretty darned cute too. Why me?
A week or so back, I was having some issues with my husband - he was in a bit of a funk, could possibly be categorized as depression, though he couldn't tell me if it was how he was feeling, and I suppose I'm not the best at seeing it. Depression is a real sickness, and in my eyes, I wanted him to just name it so we could get it fixed. He's out of his funk now, got some activity, which we all know can combat some signs of depression, and he also took some time out in nature, got away from life's pressures for a moment. Even through all of that, somehow he and I remain strong. We have had to go through some extended family problems, and we have had times of great disagreement... yet there has never, truly, been a time where I wish that I was not married to him. I have wished that I could have space from him for an hour or two, but never not be married to him. Seriously, through thick and thin, we have been there for each other, and I know we always will. And all around me, I have friends who can't say this. It makes my heart ache, and it makes my mind go dizzy. I can't seem to understand why I can be so sure about something - which was why I made the commitment in the first place - and why someone else can't. I can't seem to understand why someone would fall out of love with another - for some reason, in my head it just doesn't compute - and perhaps that is because I truly have found my soul mate and this won't happen to me. It's hard to understand something when you haven't ever gone through it before. But how did I get so lucky? Not many people can say that they have married their first and only boyfriend... I can. And going on 14 years of marriage later, we truly are still strong. I love the nut, and for some reason, he loves me. Why me?
My house is nothing like I imagined I'd be in. There is no flooring at the moment - just pained particle board - and it's been this way for 3 years now with no end in sight. There is something dead under the house - most likely a rat - that is stinking up my kitchen. It's a mobile home that is worth pretty much nothing, and if we ever decide to move, we will probably have to walk away from it and the investment we have put in will be wasted. My bathroom sink ONLY does hot water, and the floor under the toilet area is rotted due to a leak that was unnoticed for a while. In fact, I accidentally stepped through the linoleum one day, and now it's patched up with pink duct tape. Yes, our home has a lot of issues. I am not happy with my home - and yet, instead of all this negative, I SHOULD be thinking of my blessings. I HAVE a home. I have a roof over my head. I have someplace warm to be during the cold nights. My home is safe, and my children feel safe in my home. Because of this home, we are able to provide other things for our children, that if we lived somewhere that cost more, we could not provide (i.e. pay for sporting and musical activities, summer camps, etc). For better or worse, it is my home. Why me?
So, I continue to ask myself : Why me? Why am I so blessed to have this while someone else may have to go through hell. I don't understand it. I refuse to think of the idea that was placed in my head when I was a child - God does good things for good people. I don't always feel like I'm a good person, or that I always do good things. And I feel like all my friends are good people, yet they don't always have good things happen to them. I also refuse to believe in the idea that if you believe in God that good things will happen to you. Many of my friends believe in God, yet this is not the case. I constantly struggle with the fact that I have been so very blessed - and I don't know why. And sometimes I feel guilty about having so many blessings, and not recognizing them daily.
So, today... I choose to pray for my friends in need, and to count my blessings - starting with the two that hugged me good-bye this morning before they walked themselves to school - and try to be thankful instead of wondering: Why me?
Monday, March 25, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Not In My Own Backyard!
I have a pet peeve - I have a few, but I'll only talk about one right now. The NIMBY attitude, AKA Not In My Back Yard, really gets to me. Here are a few common scenario...
A community has a transient problem. I call it a problem because that is how society views it. People come in and out of this community, often staying on the streets, panhandling, bumming rides or gas. At a community meeting, a few people raise their voices - "We should have a safe place for anyone on the streets - transient or otherwise on tough times - to go for food, resources, etc." The community leaders begin to think about it and such a place is planned, drafted, and brought to the attention to the rest of the community. Then there are these voices - "That's great, but make sure it's on the outskirts of town. We don't want to give people the wrong impression." or "I don't mind you putting it way over there, but don't put it in my neighborhood."
During a community meeting, several members bring up the idea and plan for a teen center. This center could be a place for teens to hang out, communicate with others in the community, dream, think, build, contribute to things around them. It would be a safe place for teens to explore and create relationships. During this same meeting, you would hear retorts that are similar to this: "Teens have no respect for their surroundings, if you build something like this, don't put it next to my house, or anywhere where other children are present."
A community sees a need to help those with no home during extreme weather circumstances. Working together with community resource centers, churches, and other community agencies, an extreme weather shelter plan is dreamed. Once this dream becomes a reality, one of the churches, who is part of the cooperative movement, begins hearing concerns from the many people who use their building. "This is a great idea in general, but I think this is a bad idea for the church. The church could get robbed." or "I don't like the idea of homeless people staying in my place of worship."
You get the picture. Many people give the impression that they want to help others in need, but because of preconceived notions, they do not want to be directly connected in some way, usually geographically, to that help.
What is it said... I looked it up. It's Matthew 25:40 I believe. The version I have in front of me is the New Standard Revised Version, but it states: "Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me." I think of this, and what it says later in verse 45 "Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me."
The way I interpret this is that when we help those who are truly in need, no matter how low on the totem pole they may be, we are helping God. This does not mean that we will only help someone if we do it 10 miles away from our home. It does not mean helping out someone with outdated food because you had it left over in your cupboard. It does not mean encouraging a safe place for teens that is not directly located where teens live and hang out. It does not mean denying someone a warm place to stay when the temperature reaches freezing. And sometimes people with no home and no transportation cannot make it to a shelter 15-20 miles away, even though it is in the same county.
This makes me think of that wonderful Joan Osborne song - "What if God was One of Us?" - seriously, what if God was one of us - A stranger on a bus, the homeless man on the corner, the hungry child in line for food, the troubled teen needing a listening ear, the migrant worker in the field. Please find compassion to see the good in all people, and to encourage good and kindness - even in your own backyard!
A community has a transient problem. I call it a problem because that is how society views it. People come in and out of this community, often staying on the streets, panhandling, bumming rides or gas. At a community meeting, a few people raise their voices - "We should have a safe place for anyone on the streets - transient or otherwise on tough times - to go for food, resources, etc." The community leaders begin to think about it and such a place is planned, drafted, and brought to the attention to the rest of the community. Then there are these voices - "That's great, but make sure it's on the outskirts of town. We don't want to give people the wrong impression." or "I don't mind you putting it way over there, but don't put it in my neighborhood."
During a community meeting, several members bring up the idea and plan for a teen center. This center could be a place for teens to hang out, communicate with others in the community, dream, think, build, contribute to things around them. It would be a safe place for teens to explore and create relationships. During this same meeting, you would hear retorts that are similar to this: "Teens have no respect for their surroundings, if you build something like this, don't put it next to my house, or anywhere where other children are present."
A community sees a need to help those with no home during extreme weather circumstances. Working together with community resource centers, churches, and other community agencies, an extreme weather shelter plan is dreamed. Once this dream becomes a reality, one of the churches, who is part of the cooperative movement, begins hearing concerns from the many people who use their building. "This is a great idea in general, but I think this is a bad idea for the church. The church could get robbed." or "I don't like the idea of homeless people staying in my place of worship."
You get the picture. Many people give the impression that they want to help others in need, but because of preconceived notions, they do not want to be directly connected in some way, usually geographically, to that help.
What is it said... I looked it up. It's Matthew 25:40 I believe. The version I have in front of me is the New Standard Revised Version, but it states: "Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me." I think of this, and what it says later in verse 45 "Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me."
The way I interpret this is that when we help those who are truly in need, no matter how low on the totem pole they may be, we are helping God. This does not mean that we will only help someone if we do it 10 miles away from our home. It does not mean helping out someone with outdated food because you had it left over in your cupboard. It does not mean encouraging a safe place for teens that is not directly located where teens live and hang out. It does not mean denying someone a warm place to stay when the temperature reaches freezing. And sometimes people with no home and no transportation cannot make it to a shelter 15-20 miles away, even though it is in the same county.
This makes me think of that wonderful Joan Osborne song - "What if God was One of Us?" - seriously, what if God was one of us - A stranger on a bus, the homeless man on the corner, the hungry child in line for food, the troubled teen needing a listening ear, the migrant worker in the field. Please find compassion to see the good in all people, and to encourage good and kindness - even in your own backyard!
Monday, February 18, 2013
Taking Care of Yourself - it's about balance
If you didn't know already, I am a church secretary - oh wait, we are not supposed to call it that any more. At one of my jobs I am called an "Office Coordinator" at another the "Office Manager" - both are just glorified names for Secretary, and I'm OK with that. Anyways, as a secretary, I get a lot of emails that I have to sort through at both churches that I work for. Today I received one about rest - and it is such a coincidence as I do not rest!
I know what I'm supposed to do. Everyone is always telling me to take a break, don't work too hard, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF ... this is much easier said then done!!
Along with my Facebook addiction, I have an addiction to pleasing people. I strive to always do a good job, but not for me - for everyone else. I don't want people to be upset because of something I did, or didn't, do. In the past 15 years, I have at least learned to say no, about 20% of the time... hey, I am working on it! The past 3 or so years, I've been working on trying to take better care of myself - working out, eating better, doing things without children, etc. Then I started working full time! All of a sudden, I have been completely off balance, and that part about taking care of myself has completely gone out the window.
Last week, my husband commented on how much he was running around because of the boys activities - I think I asked him to help out on Tuesday and Thursday of this week. He was already exhausted. Welcome to my life! When it comes to my boys, I do NOT want my working full time to be an excuse for them to not be able to do activities... Thank goodness I have flexible jobs!
To give you a taste, here is a typical day in my life:
6:30AM - alarm goes off - slam on the snooze at least 3 times.
7AM - Shower
7:15AM - wake up one child - the other is already awake - and often I have to wake up the "big child" too.
7:30AM - Breakfast for all - get the boys on the bus by 7:55AM
7:55AM - drive to work - often a few min. late
8:00AMish - start Job #1
12:00noon - leave Job #1
12:00noon - start Job #2 (there is a bit of travel time in here too)
3:50PM - leave Job #2 - pick up children
4:15PM - drop off children at Swimming for Swim club/team - drive to McKinleyville to teach a lesson
4:30-5PM - teach a lesson
5:15PM - Pick up children from Swimming
5:30 PM - home for dinner - prep for evening activities (could be scouts, music stuff, etc) - and if time, do a little extra work that didn't get finished during the day for Job #2 (or save until boys go to bed at 8PM)
OK, that's pretty typical, but of course every day offers one or two variations. By time I finally have even a few minutes to think about housework, it is 8pm. How am I really supposed to find time for myself? I can hear you now... give something up? Like I said earlier, I am not willing to give up any of the boys' activities just because I'm working full time. And working full time is not something I can give up at the moment.
My situation is a lot like other moms out there - and dads too. I can't relate to the dads, sorry. I can't even imagine if I was a single parent! Some days I do feel like a single parent, but I have to think about the fact that I DO have someone else I can call if I need to. Telling a mom to give something up is like telling a goat not to eat a tin can. We know it's not good for us, but we can't help ourselves. The pressures of being a mom are intense enough as it is. And then, put on top of that other pressures like work, sports, and especially if you are a recovering people pleaser like me, it's even worse. The past 2 1/2 months I have not been working up to standards - my own standards, which I know are higher then anyone else out there. But truly, I have been forgetful, I have been so tired that I have spaced out in conversations, I have yelled WAY too much at my family. I have no desire to socialize, though I make myself do it.
So... take care of yourself. This has been something that has taken a front burner in my life since the beginning of this month, when I hit a sort of bottom for myself. I knew I had to do something - so I started small. It wasn't rest, though I needed that, but I decided to at least start with nutrition. I had begun being in this rut of eating a LOT of fast food - and if you have ever seen the documentary "Supersize Me" you would know that fast food can lead to a lot of crazy depression and psychological issues. So I ate better (and continued having a green juice in the morning - something I did start back in January). I also chose to start taking vitamins. It is costly, but important. 3 days later, I began feeling amazing. You know the first thing I noticed - I began sleeping ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NIGHT! Did I mention before that even though I was exhausted pretty much every day, I had horrible insomnia, or just fitful nights of sleep. If I got 5 hours, that would be a good night - but those 5 hours wouldn't be continuous. So, in a way, I DID get rest. It was amazing how much better I felt just from that.
I'm still not taking time to myself - though not being on Facebook, I have begun reading again - this is a little time to myself! But I'm getting there - starting to run again, so I get 20-30 min to myself when I do this. The next thing on my list to actually go out on a date with my husband once in a while...Balance, I hope it finds me sooner, rather than later.
I know what I'm supposed to do. Everyone is always telling me to take a break, don't work too hard, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF ... this is much easier said then done!!
Along with my Facebook addiction, I have an addiction to pleasing people. I strive to always do a good job, but not for me - for everyone else. I don't want people to be upset because of something I did, or didn't, do. In the past 15 years, I have at least learned to say no, about 20% of the time... hey, I am working on it! The past 3 or so years, I've been working on trying to take better care of myself - working out, eating better, doing things without children, etc. Then I started working full time! All of a sudden, I have been completely off balance, and that part about taking care of myself has completely gone out the window.
Last week, my husband commented on how much he was running around because of the boys activities - I think I asked him to help out on Tuesday and Thursday of this week. He was already exhausted. Welcome to my life! When it comes to my boys, I do NOT want my working full time to be an excuse for them to not be able to do activities... Thank goodness I have flexible jobs!
To give you a taste, here is a typical day in my life:
6:30AM - alarm goes off - slam on the snooze at least 3 times.
7AM - Shower
7:15AM - wake up one child - the other is already awake - and often I have to wake up the "big child" too.
7:30AM - Breakfast for all - get the boys on the bus by 7:55AM
7:55AM - drive to work - often a few min. late
8:00AMish - start Job #1
12:00noon - leave Job #1
12:00noon - start Job #2 (there is a bit of travel time in here too)
3:50PM - leave Job #2 - pick up children
4:15PM - drop off children at Swimming for Swim club/team - drive to McKinleyville to teach a lesson
4:30-5PM - teach a lesson
5:15PM - Pick up children from Swimming
5:30 PM - home for dinner - prep for evening activities (could be scouts, music stuff, etc) - and if time, do a little extra work that didn't get finished during the day for Job #2 (or save until boys go to bed at 8PM)
OK, that's pretty typical, but of course every day offers one or two variations. By time I finally have even a few minutes to think about housework, it is 8pm. How am I really supposed to find time for myself? I can hear you now... give something up? Like I said earlier, I am not willing to give up any of the boys' activities just because I'm working full time. And working full time is not something I can give up at the moment.
My situation is a lot like other moms out there - and dads too. I can't relate to the dads, sorry. I can't even imagine if I was a single parent! Some days I do feel like a single parent, but I have to think about the fact that I DO have someone else I can call if I need to. Telling a mom to give something up is like telling a goat not to eat a tin can. We know it's not good for us, but we can't help ourselves. The pressures of being a mom are intense enough as it is. And then, put on top of that other pressures like work, sports, and especially if you are a recovering people pleaser like me, it's even worse. The past 2 1/2 months I have not been working up to standards - my own standards, which I know are higher then anyone else out there. But truly, I have been forgetful, I have been so tired that I have spaced out in conversations, I have yelled WAY too much at my family. I have no desire to socialize, though I make myself do it.
So... take care of yourself. This has been something that has taken a front burner in my life since the beginning of this month, when I hit a sort of bottom for myself. I knew I had to do something - so I started small. It wasn't rest, though I needed that, but I decided to at least start with nutrition. I had begun being in this rut of eating a LOT of fast food - and if you have ever seen the documentary "Supersize Me" you would know that fast food can lead to a lot of crazy depression and psychological issues. So I ate better (and continued having a green juice in the morning - something I did start back in January). I also chose to start taking vitamins. It is costly, but important. 3 days later, I began feeling amazing. You know the first thing I noticed - I began sleeping ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NIGHT! Did I mention before that even though I was exhausted pretty much every day, I had horrible insomnia, or just fitful nights of sleep. If I got 5 hours, that would be a good night - but those 5 hours wouldn't be continuous. So, in a way, I DID get rest. It was amazing how much better I felt just from that.
I'm still not taking time to myself - though not being on Facebook, I have begun reading again - this is a little time to myself! But I'm getting there - starting to run again, so I get 20-30 min to myself when I do this. The next thing on my list to actually go out on a date with my husband once in a while...Balance, I hope it finds me sooner, rather than later.
Willpower
Willpower = your willingness combined with divine inner power.
In my last post on Lent, I was contemplating what to give up. I decided on giving up Facebook. This is proving to be better then I imagined.
Hello, my name is April and I'm a facebookaholic - it has been 5 days since I have logged onto facebook, and every day is one step at a time. Literally. The first two days, not too bad. Yeah, I wanted to go online, see what people were up to, play a few games, but I know this is just a time waster, so I didn't do it. 4 days go by, and I realized I never told my mom that I was taking a break from facebook. She and I converse most of the time through facebook - I guess this means we have to call each other more, or email (I am not crazy... I didn't give up ALL my technological vises!). So, I give mom a call, got read the riot act for not telling everyone this is what I was doing, and then we had a decent chat. Yesterday, a kid from church was using the church computer to be on facebook (hm... I pretended not to see, even though this is one thing I desperately do NOT want our youth using the church computer for, so I need to have a conversation with her, but I decided to do this another day) - I heard that ever familiar bell that tells you someone is chatting with you... I want to go see who it is! But, it's NOT for me because I'm not on Facebook. Today, I wake up and do my usually checking of email, and I didn't even think about logging on to Facebook. My willpower has won, for now.
Without this time-suck called facebook, I've gotten so much more done. My house, is CLEAN! I read 150 pages of my book just on Sunday! And I miss my friends...
Facebook simultaneously has a way of keeping us connected and not connected at the same time. There are so many people that I only converse with on Facebook. I use the chat option a LOT with Facebook. Those friends haven't called me to see how I am - they don't seem to notice I'm not there, because facebook has SO much going on. But then, I haven't really called them either. I have the time, but I've been filling it with other things so I won't go on facebook!
40 days, plus Sundays, is a long time. Every time I think about Facebook, I feel like I should be doing some sort of prayer...am I not really doing this Lent thing right? I mean, isn't it supposed to be that by denying yourself something, it brings you closer to God? And if you are trying to have willpower, you need to somehow discover that divine inner strength to keep moving forward, right?
This is what I have learned so far. I love Facebook, I miss Facebook, I HATE Facebook, I miss Facebook. I have chosen to give up this thing that I somehow seem to idolize for God, to God. What was it that was said yesterday at Church - we were supposed to commit it to memory - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 - So this is something that I suppose I am learning. That I can give this up, and it is because I have willpower, but my willpower is stronger because of my faith. Lets see what the next few weeks, no... I mean the next day, has in store for me.
In my last post on Lent, I was contemplating what to give up. I decided on giving up Facebook. This is proving to be better then I imagined.
Hello, my name is April and I'm a facebookaholic - it has been 5 days since I have logged onto facebook, and every day is one step at a time. Literally. The first two days, not too bad. Yeah, I wanted to go online, see what people were up to, play a few games, but I know this is just a time waster, so I didn't do it. 4 days go by, and I realized I never told my mom that I was taking a break from facebook. She and I converse most of the time through facebook - I guess this means we have to call each other more, or email (I am not crazy... I didn't give up ALL my technological vises!). So, I give mom a call, got read the riot act for not telling everyone this is what I was doing, and then we had a decent chat. Yesterday, a kid from church was using the church computer to be on facebook (hm... I pretended not to see, even though this is one thing I desperately do NOT want our youth using the church computer for, so I need to have a conversation with her, but I decided to do this another day) - I heard that ever familiar bell that tells you someone is chatting with you... I want to go see who it is! But, it's NOT for me because I'm not on Facebook. Today, I wake up and do my usually checking of email, and I didn't even think about logging on to Facebook. My willpower has won, for now.
Without this time-suck called facebook, I've gotten so much more done. My house, is CLEAN! I read 150 pages of my book just on Sunday! And I miss my friends...
Facebook simultaneously has a way of keeping us connected and not connected at the same time. There are so many people that I only converse with on Facebook. I use the chat option a LOT with Facebook. Those friends haven't called me to see how I am - they don't seem to notice I'm not there, because facebook has SO much going on. But then, I haven't really called them either. I have the time, but I've been filling it with other things so I won't go on facebook!
40 days, plus Sundays, is a long time. Every time I think about Facebook, I feel like I should be doing some sort of prayer...am I not really doing this Lent thing right? I mean, isn't it supposed to be that by denying yourself something, it brings you closer to God? And if you are trying to have willpower, you need to somehow discover that divine inner strength to keep moving forward, right?
This is what I have learned so far. I love Facebook, I miss Facebook, I HATE Facebook, I miss Facebook. I have chosen to give up this thing that I somehow seem to idolize for God, to God. What was it that was said yesterday at Church - we were supposed to commit it to memory - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 - So this is something that I suppose I am learning. That I can give this up, and it is because I have willpower, but my willpower is stronger because of my faith. Lets see what the next few weeks, no... I mean the next day, has in store for me.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Lent
When I was a child, we always had a big pancake meal on Fat Tuesday - and when I say big, I mean BIG - as in at least 3/4 of our church family participated in it. And then, after this began the season of Lent. The only thing Lent ever meant to me was to give something up. Sometimes, this had a lasting affect on me - I remember one year, I decided to give up a bad habit. I used to chew my hair - I know this is disgusting, but you would be surprised as to how many girls chew their hair. Anyways, I decided I would stop chewing my hair for 40 days. I was 6 years old when I gave this up for Lent - it stuck! I haven't chewed my hair since.
I see on facebook a lot of my friends, typically my Catholic friends, talking about giving up chocolate or caffeine for Lent - I think to myself, should I give up one of my vices this year. I've done the no chocolate before, sometimes I make it the full time, sometimes I don't.
Last year, I decided to take my Lenten fasting to a whole new level - well, a new level for me. I gave up my Starbucks coffee. Now, for those of you who don't really know me, not only do I love my Starbucks, but I love the loaded kind - my favorites being a non-fat white mocha, or a Cinnamon Dulce latte, or what about a coffee frappaccino with toffee nut syrup?! mmmmm. Plus, I work RIGHT NEXT to a Starbucks. My sister-in-law WORKS at Starbucks (so sometimes she hooks me up!) - so giving up my Starbucks, this was hard. This isn't like any little caffeine or coffee addiction. It's going into that place, chatting with the employees, smelling all the pastries. But, I gave up my Starbucks - and every time I felt the need to go get one, I would take the money that I would have spent on that Starbucks, and I put it in a jar. When Easter was over, I gave that money away - last year it went to Relay for Life. And, of course, as soon as Lent was over - on Easter Morning - I was getting a Starbucks! :)
So, I've been thinking this year. What is it that I'm going to "give up." A church friend of mine, someone who I really love to talk to about spiritual things, was talking about fasting during a recent book study we were doing. An idea she had kind of stuck with me. Fasting should be uncomfortable - it is supposed to bring awareness. By fasting, you are looking deeper into yourself; of what is really important. And it can be simple things. We worship that which we are fasting from a little too much, and instead should focus on God. So, when fasting, give up something that will make you a little uncomfortable.
OK, so giving up my Starbucks last year wasn't really all that hard. Like any real addiction, the desire for it subsides a little, but even when I started, I knew I could do without my coffee. This year, I want it to truly be uncomfortable, so I can contemplate it spiritually. I should give up Facebook! THAT would be uncomfortable. I give myself the excuse that Facebook is my connection to certain people - my mom for example. We chat all the time online through Facebook. If I wasn't online, well, then I would probably never talk to her - OK, I would be forced to pick up my phone. My husband is another - I have Facebook on in the background a lot, so if I have a tech question, he is a click away... but it is a compulsion. I don't NEED it. Well, I do use it for work a little - both the churches I work for have Facebook pages. Hm... maybe I should give up spending - is that possible? I mean you have to buy food and gas, and such, thereby spending money - but no, I'm talking about excess spending, anything besides basic food and necessities... Is it possible for me? I am a bit of a shopaholic I'm realizing.
I haven't decided yet, it is Ash Wednesday, I should have decided yesterday so I could have properly indulged! (Though pumpkin-butterscotch pancakes was a GREAT way to indulge regardless of what I give up for Lent.) Have you decided to do some fasting for Lent? Think about it.
I see on facebook a lot of my friends, typically my Catholic friends, talking about giving up chocolate or caffeine for Lent - I think to myself, should I give up one of my vices this year. I've done the no chocolate before, sometimes I make it the full time, sometimes I don't.
Last year, I decided to take my Lenten fasting to a whole new level - well, a new level for me. I gave up my Starbucks coffee. Now, for those of you who don't really know me, not only do I love my Starbucks, but I love the loaded kind - my favorites being a non-fat white mocha, or a Cinnamon Dulce latte, or what about a coffee frappaccino with toffee nut syrup?! mmmmm. Plus, I work RIGHT NEXT to a Starbucks. My sister-in-law WORKS at Starbucks (so sometimes she hooks me up!) - so giving up my Starbucks, this was hard. This isn't like any little caffeine or coffee addiction. It's going into that place, chatting with the employees, smelling all the pastries. But, I gave up my Starbucks - and every time I felt the need to go get one, I would take the money that I would have spent on that Starbucks, and I put it in a jar. When Easter was over, I gave that money away - last year it went to Relay for Life. And, of course, as soon as Lent was over - on Easter Morning - I was getting a Starbucks! :)
So, I've been thinking this year. What is it that I'm going to "give up." A church friend of mine, someone who I really love to talk to about spiritual things, was talking about fasting during a recent book study we were doing. An idea she had kind of stuck with me. Fasting should be uncomfortable - it is supposed to bring awareness. By fasting, you are looking deeper into yourself; of what is really important. And it can be simple things. We worship that which we are fasting from a little too much, and instead should focus on God. So, when fasting, give up something that will make you a little uncomfortable.
OK, so giving up my Starbucks last year wasn't really all that hard. Like any real addiction, the desire for it subsides a little, but even when I started, I knew I could do without my coffee. This year, I want it to truly be uncomfortable, so I can contemplate it spiritually. I should give up Facebook! THAT would be uncomfortable. I give myself the excuse that Facebook is my connection to certain people - my mom for example. We chat all the time online through Facebook. If I wasn't online, well, then I would probably never talk to her - OK, I would be forced to pick up my phone. My husband is another - I have Facebook on in the background a lot, so if I have a tech question, he is a click away... but it is a compulsion. I don't NEED it. Well, I do use it for work a little - both the churches I work for have Facebook pages. Hm... maybe I should give up spending - is that possible? I mean you have to buy food and gas, and such, thereby spending money - but no, I'm talking about excess spending, anything besides basic food and necessities... Is it possible for me? I am a bit of a shopaholic I'm realizing.
I haven't decided yet, it is Ash Wednesday, I should have decided yesterday so I could have properly indulged! (Though pumpkin-butterscotch pancakes was a GREAT way to indulge regardless of what I give up for Lent.) Have you decided to do some fasting for Lent? Think about it.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Bucket List
Why do we always wait until we are old to make a bucket list - I mean, I completely understand the concept - things you want to do before you kick the bucket - but why wait? Of course, there are many things on my list that I may not get a chance to do until I'm older, simply because of the chaos that is my life - or the lack of money - or the fact that I do have children to take care of. But, I have a bucket list - and it is ever changing. But I don't want to wait until I'm old to write this list - I don't want to wait to start doing the things on my list - I especially don't want to wait to dream about all the fun I'll have while doing the things on this list. Of course, according to my children, I'm already "OLD" - but here is my bucket list, as of today, February 11th at 11:26am - it may change tomorrow.
Travel - visit Thailand, Japan, India, Hawaii
Go sky diving
Get my nose pierced
do a cross country trip - visit the old family home in Lancaster Co., PA (the Hans Herr House)
Learn another language WELL
Get a masters degree - Music or Social work or a 2nd bachelors in Marine Biology
Touch and swim with dolfins
Go Snorkeling
Do a Mission Trip - to Mexico with AMOR, or anywhere, really
OK, I'm sure there is more.... yeah, my bucket list is so fluid, it's all in my head! What is on YOUR bucket list - and why aren't you trying to make it happen TODAY! It's all excuses... I have TONS of excuses, believe me. My High School band director once said - ah words of wisdom from Simon Austin - Those who fail have many excuses, those who succeed have no excuses. It's true, we let our excuses take over and we don't do what we truly want to do. So, here is to my bucket list - and to dreaming and one day having no excuses so I get them done!
Travel - visit Thailand, Japan, India, Hawaii
Go sky diving
Get my nose pierced
do a cross country trip - visit the old family home in Lancaster Co., PA (the Hans Herr House)
Learn another language WELL
Get a masters degree - Music or Social work or a 2nd bachelors in Marine Biology
Touch and swim with dolfins
Go Snorkeling
Do a Mission Trip - to Mexico with AMOR, or anywhere, really
OK, I'm sure there is more.... yeah, my bucket list is so fluid, it's all in my head! What is on YOUR bucket list - and why aren't you trying to make it happen TODAY! It's all excuses... I have TONS of excuses, believe me. My High School band director once said - ah words of wisdom from Simon Austin - Those who fail have many excuses, those who succeed have no excuses. It's true, we let our excuses take over and we don't do what we truly want to do. So, here is to my bucket list - and to dreaming and one day having no excuses so I get them done!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Having Doubts
I do not pretend to be any biblical scholar. I wasn't raised baptist, so don't even think about asking me to repeat bible verses, or where they might be. I think one time I got the Beatitudes confused with my favorite verse found in Micah. I probably could tell you most of the old testament stories though, and I know most of Jesus' parables - generally speaking of course. I know somewhere in the bible there is this story about Jesus and children. Jesus is in a town, preaching, and the children want to see him, but the adults are saying no to them. It's then that Jesus tells them to let the children see him, for they are the path to heaven - seeing Jesus as children see Jesus.
OK, I'm sure that some biblical scholar, pastor, or devout conservative Christian, may not like my little paraphrase there, but that is how I have interpreted it throughout my years. It is this story I thought of when the subject of doubt came to my mind.
Let me back up a little bit. I have worked with children most of my life - and all ages, from infant up through High School. I have 2 children of my own, and I often help out my friends with children. We as a society see children as innocent - and they are. Children don't know how to hate until they are taught to hate. Well, I think this is the same about doubt. Children don't doubt, until they have something to doubt. When was the first time that doubt crept into your mind? For me, I think it was when I learned there was no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fair, or any other magical/mythical being. How could I not have doubt over something I couldn't see, now that I knew these things were not real after years of believing in them. You may think that this thought moved over to my spiritual life as well, but I do not remember ever doubting the presence of God.
Is there a God? Doesn't everyone think about this at some point in their lives? Well, remember, I said that I did not, and have not, ever doubted there is a God. I have, however, doubted my spirituality. I have doubted the way I see God, the way others see God. I have doubted that my way is the "right" way. I even have a lingering doubt on whether there is a heaven or not - but I have never doubted my creator. I think it's because at the very depth of me, I feel God. I have tried to doubt, I have tried to deny that feeling... but it's always been there.
I remember a time when I came to college at Humboldt State University. Ah... the early 20's - the time you realize you don't know everything. Most of my friends were saying there wasn't a God, or they were calling themselves "Agnostic" - a new term for me. As I was beginning to agree with them, I found myself talking to God (usually in the car - my favorite place to have these conversations) - asking God what he thought about my doubt. I look back now, and think, first of all, how odd that was - to ask the very being if it was OK to doubt him, or not to believe at all. I also realized that because I had this overwhelming desire to pray and have a conversation with God, I could no longer try to doubt or deny that there was a God at all to have a conversation with.
I guess it was then that I began doubting my religion - and my way of thinking. As many young adults feel, I could not be a part of a movement that was so hypocritical. If you can't practice what you preach, then it's not for me. I doubted being part of a religion that seemed to encourage the judgement of others, condemned people who believed differently, was anti-homosexual, encouraged the marriage of politics and faith as if they were one idea, and felt that the idea of creation was one that was solid and true from the bible - which meant that all our scientific findings were wrong.
It took me 7 years to work my way through all of this. I came from a Methodist background, married a man from a Unitarian background - tried all sorts of churches, from Southern Baptist, to Unitarian Universalist, to Presbyterian and even dabbled a bit in Buddhism. What happened is, after all that time, I found myself coming full circle, back to the Methodist Church.
I've heard throughout my years that Methodism is the "wimpy religion" - meaning that Methodists can believe in anything and everything. At my church, I often hear people say - "It doesn't matter what you believe here." Hm, that makes me think.... is that true? Well, don't misunderstand me when I say this... if you consider yourself a Methodist, meaning you pledge to be a member of the United Methodist Church, then you believe in God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. If you say you are a Methodist, there are some core beliefs that you have in common with all others who call themselves "Methodists" - so Methodists DO have beliefs, and it does matter what a Methodist believes. BUT... (and here is what I think people are trying to say) you do NOT have to be a Methodist to go to a Methodist church. You do NOT have to have the same beliefs to be a part of Methodist Worship. You do not have to prescribe to some sort of dogma in order to worship, pray, give, receive communion, and encompass yourself as part of a church family in the Methodist Church. And, as a member of the United Methodist Church it is OK to have doubts.
This is WHY I'm a Methodist! I have doubts - though I HAVE decided that I do believe in a set of core values that is central to the Methodist church - one of those values being that I believe that there IS a God. I don't know if my interpretation of God, or my understanding of God is "right" and I'm sure it differs from everyone else in my church family. But, I am accepted and loved at the United Methodist Church of the Joyful Healer - and I'm proud to call myself a Methodist - doubts and all.
OK, I'm sure that some biblical scholar, pastor, or devout conservative Christian, may not like my little paraphrase there, but that is how I have interpreted it throughout my years. It is this story I thought of when the subject of doubt came to my mind.
Let me back up a little bit. I have worked with children most of my life - and all ages, from infant up through High School. I have 2 children of my own, and I often help out my friends with children. We as a society see children as innocent - and they are. Children don't know how to hate until they are taught to hate. Well, I think this is the same about doubt. Children don't doubt, until they have something to doubt. When was the first time that doubt crept into your mind? For me, I think it was when I learned there was no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fair, or any other magical/mythical being. How could I not have doubt over something I couldn't see, now that I knew these things were not real after years of believing in them. You may think that this thought moved over to my spiritual life as well, but I do not remember ever doubting the presence of God.
Is there a God? Doesn't everyone think about this at some point in their lives? Well, remember, I said that I did not, and have not, ever doubted there is a God. I have, however, doubted my spirituality. I have doubted the way I see God, the way others see God. I have doubted that my way is the "right" way. I even have a lingering doubt on whether there is a heaven or not - but I have never doubted my creator. I think it's because at the very depth of me, I feel God. I have tried to doubt, I have tried to deny that feeling... but it's always been there.
I remember a time when I came to college at Humboldt State University. Ah... the early 20's - the time you realize you don't know everything. Most of my friends were saying there wasn't a God, or they were calling themselves "Agnostic" - a new term for me. As I was beginning to agree with them, I found myself talking to God (usually in the car - my favorite place to have these conversations) - asking God what he thought about my doubt. I look back now, and think, first of all, how odd that was - to ask the very being if it was OK to doubt him, or not to believe at all. I also realized that because I had this overwhelming desire to pray and have a conversation with God, I could no longer try to doubt or deny that there was a God at all to have a conversation with.
I guess it was then that I began doubting my religion - and my way of thinking. As many young adults feel, I could not be a part of a movement that was so hypocritical. If you can't practice what you preach, then it's not for me. I doubted being part of a religion that seemed to encourage the judgement of others, condemned people who believed differently, was anti-homosexual, encouraged the marriage of politics and faith as if they were one idea, and felt that the idea of creation was one that was solid and true from the bible - which meant that all our scientific findings were wrong.
It took me 7 years to work my way through all of this. I came from a Methodist background, married a man from a Unitarian background - tried all sorts of churches, from Southern Baptist, to Unitarian Universalist, to Presbyterian and even dabbled a bit in Buddhism. What happened is, after all that time, I found myself coming full circle, back to the Methodist Church.
I've heard throughout my years that Methodism is the "wimpy religion" - meaning that Methodists can believe in anything and everything. At my church, I often hear people say - "It doesn't matter what you believe here." Hm, that makes me think.... is that true? Well, don't misunderstand me when I say this... if you consider yourself a Methodist, meaning you pledge to be a member of the United Methodist Church, then you believe in God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. If you say you are a Methodist, there are some core beliefs that you have in common with all others who call themselves "Methodists" - so Methodists DO have beliefs, and it does matter what a Methodist believes. BUT... (and here is what I think people are trying to say) you do NOT have to be a Methodist to go to a Methodist church. You do NOT have to have the same beliefs to be a part of Methodist Worship. You do not have to prescribe to some sort of dogma in order to worship, pray, give, receive communion, and encompass yourself as part of a church family in the Methodist Church. And, as a member of the United Methodist Church it is OK to have doubts.
This is WHY I'm a Methodist! I have doubts - though I HAVE decided that I do believe in a set of core values that is central to the Methodist church - one of those values being that I believe that there IS a God. I don't know if my interpretation of God, or my understanding of God is "right" and I'm sure it differs from everyone else in my church family. But, I am accepted and loved at the United Methodist Church of the Joyful Healer - and I'm proud to call myself a Methodist - doubts and all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)