Why do we always wait until we are old to make a bucket list - I mean, I completely understand the concept - things you want to do before you kick the bucket - but why wait? Of course, there are many things on my list that I may not get a chance to do until I'm older, simply because of the chaos that is my life - or the lack of money - or the fact that I do have children to take care of. But, I have a bucket list - and it is ever changing. But I don't want to wait until I'm old to write this list - I don't want to wait to start doing the things on my list - I especially don't want to wait to dream about all the fun I'll have while doing the things on this list. Of course, according to my children, I'm already "OLD" - but here is my bucket list, as of today, February 11th at 11:26am - it may change tomorrow.
Travel - visit Thailand, Japan, India, Hawaii
Go sky diving
Get my nose pierced
do a cross country trip - visit the old family home in Lancaster Co., PA (the Hans Herr House)
Learn another language WELL
Get a masters degree - Music or Social work or a 2nd bachelors in Marine Biology
Touch and swim with dolfins
Go Snorkeling
Do a Mission Trip - to Mexico with AMOR, or anywhere, really
OK, I'm sure there is more.... yeah, my bucket list is so fluid, it's all in my head! What is on YOUR bucket list - and why aren't you trying to make it happen TODAY! It's all excuses... I have TONS of excuses, believe me. My High School band director once said - ah words of wisdom from Simon Austin - Those who fail have many excuses, those who succeed have no excuses. It's true, we let our excuses take over and we don't do what we truly want to do. So, here is to my bucket list - and to dreaming and one day having no excuses so I get them done!
Monday, February 11, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Having Doubts
I do not pretend to be any biblical scholar. I wasn't raised baptist, so don't even think about asking me to repeat bible verses, or where they might be. I think one time I got the Beatitudes confused with my favorite verse found in Micah. I probably could tell you most of the old testament stories though, and I know most of Jesus' parables - generally speaking of course. I know somewhere in the bible there is this story about Jesus and children. Jesus is in a town, preaching, and the children want to see him, but the adults are saying no to them. It's then that Jesus tells them to let the children see him, for they are the path to heaven - seeing Jesus as children see Jesus.
OK, I'm sure that some biblical scholar, pastor, or devout conservative Christian, may not like my little paraphrase there, but that is how I have interpreted it throughout my years. It is this story I thought of when the subject of doubt came to my mind.
Let me back up a little bit. I have worked with children most of my life - and all ages, from infant up through High School. I have 2 children of my own, and I often help out my friends with children. We as a society see children as innocent - and they are. Children don't know how to hate until they are taught to hate. Well, I think this is the same about doubt. Children don't doubt, until they have something to doubt. When was the first time that doubt crept into your mind? For me, I think it was when I learned there was no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fair, or any other magical/mythical being. How could I not have doubt over something I couldn't see, now that I knew these things were not real after years of believing in them. You may think that this thought moved over to my spiritual life as well, but I do not remember ever doubting the presence of God.
Is there a God? Doesn't everyone think about this at some point in their lives? Well, remember, I said that I did not, and have not, ever doubted there is a God. I have, however, doubted my spirituality. I have doubted the way I see God, the way others see God. I have doubted that my way is the "right" way. I even have a lingering doubt on whether there is a heaven or not - but I have never doubted my creator. I think it's because at the very depth of me, I feel God. I have tried to doubt, I have tried to deny that feeling... but it's always been there.
I remember a time when I came to college at Humboldt State University. Ah... the early 20's - the time you realize you don't know everything. Most of my friends were saying there wasn't a God, or they were calling themselves "Agnostic" - a new term for me. As I was beginning to agree with them, I found myself talking to God (usually in the car - my favorite place to have these conversations) - asking God what he thought about my doubt. I look back now, and think, first of all, how odd that was - to ask the very being if it was OK to doubt him, or not to believe at all. I also realized that because I had this overwhelming desire to pray and have a conversation with God, I could no longer try to doubt or deny that there was a God at all to have a conversation with.
I guess it was then that I began doubting my religion - and my way of thinking. As many young adults feel, I could not be a part of a movement that was so hypocritical. If you can't practice what you preach, then it's not for me. I doubted being part of a religion that seemed to encourage the judgement of others, condemned people who believed differently, was anti-homosexual, encouraged the marriage of politics and faith as if they were one idea, and felt that the idea of creation was one that was solid and true from the bible - which meant that all our scientific findings were wrong.
It took me 7 years to work my way through all of this. I came from a Methodist background, married a man from a Unitarian background - tried all sorts of churches, from Southern Baptist, to Unitarian Universalist, to Presbyterian and even dabbled a bit in Buddhism. What happened is, after all that time, I found myself coming full circle, back to the Methodist Church.
I've heard throughout my years that Methodism is the "wimpy religion" - meaning that Methodists can believe in anything and everything. At my church, I often hear people say - "It doesn't matter what you believe here." Hm, that makes me think.... is that true? Well, don't misunderstand me when I say this... if you consider yourself a Methodist, meaning you pledge to be a member of the United Methodist Church, then you believe in God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. If you say you are a Methodist, there are some core beliefs that you have in common with all others who call themselves "Methodists" - so Methodists DO have beliefs, and it does matter what a Methodist believes. BUT... (and here is what I think people are trying to say) you do NOT have to be a Methodist to go to a Methodist church. You do NOT have to have the same beliefs to be a part of Methodist Worship. You do not have to prescribe to some sort of dogma in order to worship, pray, give, receive communion, and encompass yourself as part of a church family in the Methodist Church. And, as a member of the United Methodist Church it is OK to have doubts.
This is WHY I'm a Methodist! I have doubts - though I HAVE decided that I do believe in a set of core values that is central to the Methodist church - one of those values being that I believe that there IS a God. I don't know if my interpretation of God, or my understanding of God is "right" and I'm sure it differs from everyone else in my church family. But, I am accepted and loved at the United Methodist Church of the Joyful Healer - and I'm proud to call myself a Methodist - doubts and all.
OK, I'm sure that some biblical scholar, pastor, or devout conservative Christian, may not like my little paraphrase there, but that is how I have interpreted it throughout my years. It is this story I thought of when the subject of doubt came to my mind.
Let me back up a little bit. I have worked with children most of my life - and all ages, from infant up through High School. I have 2 children of my own, and I often help out my friends with children. We as a society see children as innocent - and they are. Children don't know how to hate until they are taught to hate. Well, I think this is the same about doubt. Children don't doubt, until they have something to doubt. When was the first time that doubt crept into your mind? For me, I think it was when I learned there was no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fair, or any other magical/mythical being. How could I not have doubt over something I couldn't see, now that I knew these things were not real after years of believing in them. You may think that this thought moved over to my spiritual life as well, but I do not remember ever doubting the presence of God.
Is there a God? Doesn't everyone think about this at some point in their lives? Well, remember, I said that I did not, and have not, ever doubted there is a God. I have, however, doubted my spirituality. I have doubted the way I see God, the way others see God. I have doubted that my way is the "right" way. I even have a lingering doubt on whether there is a heaven or not - but I have never doubted my creator. I think it's because at the very depth of me, I feel God. I have tried to doubt, I have tried to deny that feeling... but it's always been there.
I remember a time when I came to college at Humboldt State University. Ah... the early 20's - the time you realize you don't know everything. Most of my friends were saying there wasn't a God, or they were calling themselves "Agnostic" - a new term for me. As I was beginning to agree with them, I found myself talking to God (usually in the car - my favorite place to have these conversations) - asking God what he thought about my doubt. I look back now, and think, first of all, how odd that was - to ask the very being if it was OK to doubt him, or not to believe at all. I also realized that because I had this overwhelming desire to pray and have a conversation with God, I could no longer try to doubt or deny that there was a God at all to have a conversation with.
I guess it was then that I began doubting my religion - and my way of thinking. As many young adults feel, I could not be a part of a movement that was so hypocritical. If you can't practice what you preach, then it's not for me. I doubted being part of a religion that seemed to encourage the judgement of others, condemned people who believed differently, was anti-homosexual, encouraged the marriage of politics and faith as if they were one idea, and felt that the idea of creation was one that was solid and true from the bible - which meant that all our scientific findings were wrong.
It took me 7 years to work my way through all of this. I came from a Methodist background, married a man from a Unitarian background - tried all sorts of churches, from Southern Baptist, to Unitarian Universalist, to Presbyterian and even dabbled a bit in Buddhism. What happened is, after all that time, I found myself coming full circle, back to the Methodist Church.
I've heard throughout my years that Methodism is the "wimpy religion" - meaning that Methodists can believe in anything and everything. At my church, I often hear people say - "It doesn't matter what you believe here." Hm, that makes me think.... is that true? Well, don't misunderstand me when I say this... if you consider yourself a Methodist, meaning you pledge to be a member of the United Methodist Church, then you believe in God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. If you say you are a Methodist, there are some core beliefs that you have in common with all others who call themselves "Methodists" - so Methodists DO have beliefs, and it does matter what a Methodist believes. BUT... (and here is what I think people are trying to say) you do NOT have to be a Methodist to go to a Methodist church. You do NOT have to have the same beliefs to be a part of Methodist Worship. You do not have to prescribe to some sort of dogma in order to worship, pray, give, receive communion, and encompass yourself as part of a church family in the Methodist Church. And, as a member of the United Methodist Church it is OK to have doubts.
This is WHY I'm a Methodist! I have doubts - though I HAVE decided that I do believe in a set of core values that is central to the Methodist church - one of those values being that I believe that there IS a God. I don't know if my interpretation of God, or my understanding of God is "right" and I'm sure it differs from everyone else in my church family. But, I am accepted and loved at the United Methodist Church of the Joyful Healer - and I'm proud to call myself a Methodist - doubts and all.
Kindness
I like to do things for people - I don't do it because I will be compensated somehow by money or other gains. Well, perhaps I do, because I feel good when I do an act of kindness. I like that warm feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing that I have helped someone out.
I'm sure you have heard that saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Well, I have recently heard a tag at the end of this, changing it to say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle - with help." I often see myself as that "help" that some may need in order to handle all the crap that life can throw at them.
Most recently, I've helped out a couple of friends who are going through some tough times. I really enjoy these people, and I ache for what they are going through. They have needed some help in watching their youngest child - who of course I adore (along with their other children), and when the need arose, I offered. They offered me money, but I couldn't take it. I've had others ask me why I'm not asking for compensation when I get a frantic call or text at 8AM - "Can anyone pick up my daughter today at 12?" I mean, come on... I have to put down what I'm doing, take time out of my day, use gas to drive to the destination, etc. And, as so many are quick to point out, "time is money." I suppose I have this crazy notion that we are meant to help one another in whatever capacity we are able. For some, it is merely praying, for others it revolves around money and donating - for me, it's helping out a friend who is a working mother and has few people who she trusts to turn to with the care of her child.
There seems to be a movement going on to do random acts of kindness. I love this movement, but I think some people are missing the point. The point is to do something kind for someone else - this could be a smile, paying for a stranger's order in the drive-thru, or picking up a friend's child from pre-school because you have the time and are able. It is NOT to count up and boast about the many times you help people out - oh look, I did 20 random acts of kindness today, how many did you do? It's not to keep score - hey, I watch your kids last weekend, you need to watch mine for me this weekend. And it's not to get some sort of monetary gain from it - hey, I drove you out to your job interview because your car died, now that you have the job, can you kick me back a little gas money?
Right about now, you may be thinking - "I'm not like that" or "How can people REALLY be like that?" It is true that many of us probably do one or two acts of kindness and don't think in this way -- But I know that I have caught myself thinking these thoughts now and again. I am only human, and it is a very human thing to be thinking that idea "what's in it for me?" These thoughts often quickly fly away once I do a deed of kindness and I feel warm just knowing I've helped someone. That is my reward. That is my benefit, and it encourages me every day to do it again and again.
This coming week is Random Acts of Kindness week - and I invite you to participate. I invite you to search a little and push yourself to go out of your comfort zone to do random acts of kindness, but in doing so... do not keep score or boast. Do not seek out monetary gain, or the praise of others (or God) for your many acts. Simply bask in that ooey, gooey feeling you get knowing that you have done a kindness to someone that has helped them out in a way that only you could.
I'm sure you have heard that saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Well, I have recently heard a tag at the end of this, changing it to say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle - with help." I often see myself as that "help" that some may need in order to handle all the crap that life can throw at them.
Most recently, I've helped out a couple of friends who are going through some tough times. I really enjoy these people, and I ache for what they are going through. They have needed some help in watching their youngest child - who of course I adore (along with their other children), and when the need arose, I offered. They offered me money, but I couldn't take it. I've had others ask me why I'm not asking for compensation when I get a frantic call or text at 8AM - "Can anyone pick up my daughter today at 12?" I mean, come on... I have to put down what I'm doing, take time out of my day, use gas to drive to the destination, etc. And, as so many are quick to point out, "time is money." I suppose I have this crazy notion that we are meant to help one another in whatever capacity we are able. For some, it is merely praying, for others it revolves around money and donating - for me, it's helping out a friend who is a working mother and has few people who she trusts to turn to with the care of her child.
There seems to be a movement going on to do random acts of kindness. I love this movement, but I think some people are missing the point. The point is to do something kind for someone else - this could be a smile, paying for a stranger's order in the drive-thru, or picking up a friend's child from pre-school because you have the time and are able. It is NOT to count up and boast about the many times you help people out - oh look, I did 20 random acts of kindness today, how many did you do? It's not to keep score - hey, I watch your kids last weekend, you need to watch mine for me this weekend. And it's not to get some sort of monetary gain from it - hey, I drove you out to your job interview because your car died, now that you have the job, can you kick me back a little gas money?
Right about now, you may be thinking - "I'm not like that" or "How can people REALLY be like that?" It is true that many of us probably do one or two acts of kindness and don't think in this way -- But I know that I have caught myself thinking these thoughts now and again. I am only human, and it is a very human thing to be thinking that idea "what's in it for me?" These thoughts often quickly fly away once I do a deed of kindness and I feel warm just knowing I've helped someone. That is my reward. That is my benefit, and it encourages me every day to do it again and again.
This coming week is Random Acts of Kindness week - and I invite you to participate. I invite you to search a little and push yourself to go out of your comfort zone to do random acts of kindness, but in doing so... do not keep score or boast. Do not seek out monetary gain, or the praise of others (or God) for your many acts. Simply bask in that ooey, gooey feeling you get knowing that you have done a kindness to someone that has helped them out in a way that only you could.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
What is Love?
I would consider myself the black sheep of the family. I would say that I'm the most liberal of my family - though I wouldn't consider myself an extremist - I say that I run fairly left, but close to the middle of the road. I'm very grateful, however, for growing up with my family's point of view. It has shaped me more then anyone will ever know.
A little background: I grew up in Southern California. I would consider this place to be fairly racially and ethnically flavorful. I appreciated this. I'm a white girl, and when I say white, I'm white - I don't even tan well. My best friends were Korean and Bolivian. Many of my other friends were Hispanic (from Mexico mostly, but from other So. American countries as well), Filipino and African American. I felt that my parents always taught me to not look at the color of someone's skin - people are people, no matter what. This is the lesson I learned. I know this is the lesson they taught me, because of how they were raised. My grandparents were racist, and I learned that first hand when they met a few of my friends. I couldn't understand it - I didn't understand it until I was older, and realized some of the many things that shaped my grandparent's and my parent's generation. I'm not saying that this prejudice is OK - but I began to understand why it was there in the first place. It is because of my grandparents prejudice that my parents felt strongly against racism. I think it is because of my parents prejudices that I have been shaped against them as well.
I don't think we have completely won the battle on the racial field, but my generation has felt the equal rights battle on another field - sexual orientation. To me, this is not any different from our racial battles. I truly believe that, just like the color of our skin, one does not choose the gender you love, or what kind of love you feel inside the depths of your soul. I do believe you can choose to deny your love, ignore it, pretend that it isn't there, but who you are attracted to - that is something that you cannot choose - it is who you are. I also believe that this does not diminish the value of a person and that there should be no discrimination just because of who a person loves.
I'm ashamed to say that as I was growing up, I did not always listen to my heart in this area. I didn't have any gay friends, or so I thought. I was cruel, and I did make fun of people who "looked" gay, or "acted" gay. I have asked for forgiveness in this area many times, because I was stupid. I knew it was wrong - I wanted to "fit in" - with others around me, with what I saw my family doing as well. The first person I met who came out to me openly was when I was working at Girl Scout Camp. It was then that I realized how wrong I was before, and it was then that I started listening to my soul.
I later found out that a great many of my friends who I grew up with have come out. Does that change who they are? Well, perhaps I do look at them differently - but its only because I admire them. I am so happy that they have been able to follow their heart and no longer deny who they were born to be, who God created them to be.
This area has been a part of my spiritual growth that I have struggled with. I truly believe that God loves everyone, no matter what. That God created everyone - and that means he created men who love men and women who love women. I know that in the bible there are bible verses that people will throw out at you to call homosexuality an abomination, or that it separates you from God. I can't help but feel that if the bible were written with what we know now, it would be different. I can't help but think that what is in the Bible is a testament of the time and culture in which it was written. I also cannot turn my head on the abundant chapters and verses that talk about God's Love - and if God loves you, it doesn't matter that you are a man, who loves a man.
So what is love? The dictionary states that "love" is a noun - an intense feeling of deep affection, and a verb- to feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone). Is love a lifestyle choice? No... love is something you FEEL - and you can't change that. I hope one day everyone will be able to recognize that just because someone loves another of the same sex that it doesn't mean that they are bad, an abomination, naive, rebellious, or any of the other things that is often said. And who am I to put rules or laws stating that they cannot love (or marry) someone of their choosing. I love what President Obama said at his 2nd inauguration - it has been ringing in my head since that day: "Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law - for if we are truly created equal, then surely the LOVE we commit to one another must be equal as well."
If you have read this far, please search your heart, do what we tell our children to do - put yourself in another mans shoes. Don't hate based on something that is unchangeable. Keep an open mind.
A little background: I grew up in Southern California. I would consider this place to be fairly racially and ethnically flavorful. I appreciated this. I'm a white girl, and when I say white, I'm white - I don't even tan well. My best friends were Korean and Bolivian. Many of my other friends were Hispanic (from Mexico mostly, but from other So. American countries as well), Filipino and African American. I felt that my parents always taught me to not look at the color of someone's skin - people are people, no matter what. This is the lesson I learned. I know this is the lesson they taught me, because of how they were raised. My grandparents were racist, and I learned that first hand when they met a few of my friends. I couldn't understand it - I didn't understand it until I was older, and realized some of the many things that shaped my grandparent's and my parent's generation. I'm not saying that this prejudice is OK - but I began to understand why it was there in the first place. It is because of my grandparents prejudice that my parents felt strongly against racism. I think it is because of my parents prejudices that I have been shaped against them as well.
I don't think we have completely won the battle on the racial field, but my generation has felt the equal rights battle on another field - sexual orientation. To me, this is not any different from our racial battles. I truly believe that, just like the color of our skin, one does not choose the gender you love, or what kind of love you feel inside the depths of your soul. I do believe you can choose to deny your love, ignore it, pretend that it isn't there, but who you are attracted to - that is something that you cannot choose - it is who you are. I also believe that this does not diminish the value of a person and that there should be no discrimination just because of who a person loves.
I'm ashamed to say that as I was growing up, I did not always listen to my heart in this area. I didn't have any gay friends, or so I thought. I was cruel, and I did make fun of people who "looked" gay, or "acted" gay. I have asked for forgiveness in this area many times, because I was stupid. I knew it was wrong - I wanted to "fit in" - with others around me, with what I saw my family doing as well. The first person I met who came out to me openly was when I was working at Girl Scout Camp. It was then that I realized how wrong I was before, and it was then that I started listening to my soul.
I later found out that a great many of my friends who I grew up with have come out. Does that change who they are? Well, perhaps I do look at them differently - but its only because I admire them. I am so happy that they have been able to follow their heart and no longer deny who they were born to be, who God created them to be.
This area has been a part of my spiritual growth that I have struggled with. I truly believe that God loves everyone, no matter what. That God created everyone - and that means he created men who love men and women who love women. I know that in the bible there are bible verses that people will throw out at you to call homosexuality an abomination, or that it separates you from God. I can't help but feel that if the bible were written with what we know now, it would be different. I can't help but think that what is in the Bible is a testament of the time and culture in which it was written. I also cannot turn my head on the abundant chapters and verses that talk about God's Love - and if God loves you, it doesn't matter that you are a man, who loves a man.
So what is love? The dictionary states that "love" is a noun - an intense feeling of deep affection, and a verb- to feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone). Is love a lifestyle choice? No... love is something you FEEL - and you can't change that. I hope one day everyone will be able to recognize that just because someone loves another of the same sex that it doesn't mean that they are bad, an abomination, naive, rebellious, or any of the other things that is often said. And who am I to put rules or laws stating that they cannot love (or marry) someone of their choosing. I love what President Obama said at his 2nd inauguration - it has been ringing in my head since that day: "Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law - for if we are truly created equal, then surely the LOVE we commit to one another must be equal as well."
If you have read this far, please search your heart, do what we tell our children to do - put yourself in another mans shoes. Don't hate based on something that is unchangeable. Keep an open mind.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Why Give?
As a 33 year old woman, I am still a part of a generation that does not typically give to charitable organizations - usually I'm one who is promoting organizations to give TO - through my kids' school or other extra-curricular activities. A mother of two, I have to budget every cent that is made, and put it to good use. So, why give? Specifically I'm asking why give to a church, your church I hope.
When I was growing up, my parents gave us an allowance - and there were specific things we were required to do with this money each week. We were given $10 a week, and $1 (10%) must be given to the church. You can imagine that as soon as I became an adult, this was the first thing I rebelled against. Why should I give to the church? What has the church given me that I should do something in return? Hey, I give my time, isn't that enough?
It has taken me 20 years to struggle with these questions and to find my own spirituality in giving. What I do now follows the "First fruits" idea - as soon as I get my pay check, I immediately take out my monthly tithe in cash, and give it to my church. Because I get paid 2 times a month, I have split my committed tithe up in half so that I do it at each pay check. I still have this small voice that hits me every time I do this: "What if you don't have enough money for food this month, and you already gave away all that money? Maybe you should wait until the end of the month and see what is left." To this voice, I say, "It is because I have given this money that I WILL have enough at the end of the month."
It wasn't always this way. When I finally wrestled enough with my rebellion and began giving consistently, I gave $1 a week - this was good enough when I was a child, why not now. It wasn't enough to make things difficult for me, and it wasn't enough to feel comfortable with myself either. Sure, I could be giving more, even though I was a "starving" college student, I had more than $1 to give... and that guilt would creep in every once in a while.
After some time of moving around, a time of soul searching, and finally finding a church family that fit with me and my family, I felt led to give more. I began giving what I "could" at the end of the month. This meant that some months were more then others, and some months not at all - the kids had dental bills to take care of, or we absolutely had to go out to lunch as a family 3 times that month. A year ago, during a sort of "pledge" drive - though that is such a horrid name for something like this, even though it describes it perfectly, I decided to actually write down a commitment of giving - I told my church that I would give a certain amount each month. I felt good about this amount, as it was something that I felt was a better representation of what I could give - and I told myself if it was a good month, I could always give more. However, this commitment did not change HOW I gave - I still waited until the end of the month to pay. Summer came along, and of course I didn't have the money to give. Guilt crept in once again...what was I going to do? Why am I even giving in the first place? Why should I bother? The church seems to be OK during these months when I don't give. Others will pick up the slack when the pastor asks the congregation to give more.
And then our children did something through Heifer International - an organization that works on the principle that if you "give a man a fish, feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime." We dove into the Read to Feed program, and explained to the kids what their gift to Heifer would mean to a family in another country who needed it. What I learned through teaching the children about this program is that when a family is given a set of animals, they are asked to give the first born to another family, and teach that family so that the cycle continues. Well, my subconscious went to work then. What if the animals don't have any more babies? How will they survive? What if they don't give the first born, but the second born? Who is going to know? But then I really started thinking - by giving the first born - the first fruits of their labor - they are having faith that everything will be OK - that their animals will have more babies, that their new source of income will flourish. The only ones who are going to know if they truly gave their "first" born or not is themselves - and God.
This changed my way of thinking. Up until then I had not been giving my "first" fruits, but my sloppy seconds instead, and sometimes even the messy thirds. My church didn't know, but I knew - hense the guilt I felt - but I thought to myself, OK, have some faith. Give it a try... For the past 3 months I have been giving my first fruits. Have I run out of money at the end of the month? Christmas was just last month, did I not have enough for gifts for the kids and family? No, quite the opposite. In fact, I must say that I feel more secure then I have in a long time. This idea of faith in giving is still new to me, and I still wrestle with that little voice in the back of my mind, but I've decided it's not going to win.
So why do I even give? I mean, that is the root of the issue. I've explained how I give, but have I explained the why? Yeah, I think I have. It all has to do with faith. I give because of faith. The way I give is because of faith. You know what? During the summer, was my church really OK without my giving? maybe... but perhaps we as a church could have given one more scholarship to youth church camp if I had given my first fruits commitment. I give because I have felt a warming in my heart, I can only explain it as faith, and that by giving to my church, I am expressing that faith in God, in the spiritual journey that my church supports, and in my faith.
Dig deep...ask yourselves those hard questions, and wrestle with that inner voice that challenges you. Perhaps you will find a better way to give as well.
When I was growing up, my parents gave us an allowance - and there were specific things we were required to do with this money each week. We were given $10 a week, and $1 (10%) must be given to the church. You can imagine that as soon as I became an adult, this was the first thing I rebelled against. Why should I give to the church? What has the church given me that I should do something in return? Hey, I give my time, isn't that enough?
It has taken me 20 years to struggle with these questions and to find my own spirituality in giving. What I do now follows the "First fruits" idea - as soon as I get my pay check, I immediately take out my monthly tithe in cash, and give it to my church. Because I get paid 2 times a month, I have split my committed tithe up in half so that I do it at each pay check. I still have this small voice that hits me every time I do this: "What if you don't have enough money for food this month, and you already gave away all that money? Maybe you should wait until the end of the month and see what is left." To this voice, I say, "It is because I have given this money that I WILL have enough at the end of the month."
It wasn't always this way. When I finally wrestled enough with my rebellion and began giving consistently, I gave $1 a week - this was good enough when I was a child, why not now. It wasn't enough to make things difficult for me, and it wasn't enough to feel comfortable with myself either. Sure, I could be giving more, even though I was a "starving" college student, I had more than $1 to give... and that guilt would creep in every once in a while.
After some time of moving around, a time of soul searching, and finally finding a church family that fit with me and my family, I felt led to give more. I began giving what I "could" at the end of the month. This meant that some months were more then others, and some months not at all - the kids had dental bills to take care of, or we absolutely had to go out to lunch as a family 3 times that month. A year ago, during a sort of "pledge" drive - though that is such a horrid name for something like this, even though it describes it perfectly, I decided to actually write down a commitment of giving - I told my church that I would give a certain amount each month. I felt good about this amount, as it was something that I felt was a better representation of what I could give - and I told myself if it was a good month, I could always give more. However, this commitment did not change HOW I gave - I still waited until the end of the month to pay. Summer came along, and of course I didn't have the money to give. Guilt crept in once again...what was I going to do? Why am I even giving in the first place? Why should I bother? The church seems to be OK during these months when I don't give. Others will pick up the slack when the pastor asks the congregation to give more.
And then our children did something through Heifer International - an organization that works on the principle that if you "give a man a fish, feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime." We dove into the Read to Feed program, and explained to the kids what their gift to Heifer would mean to a family in another country who needed it. What I learned through teaching the children about this program is that when a family is given a set of animals, they are asked to give the first born to another family, and teach that family so that the cycle continues. Well, my subconscious went to work then. What if the animals don't have any more babies? How will they survive? What if they don't give the first born, but the second born? Who is going to know? But then I really started thinking - by giving the first born - the first fruits of their labor - they are having faith that everything will be OK - that their animals will have more babies, that their new source of income will flourish. The only ones who are going to know if they truly gave their "first" born or not is themselves - and God.
This changed my way of thinking. Up until then I had not been giving my "first" fruits, but my sloppy seconds instead, and sometimes even the messy thirds. My church didn't know, but I knew - hense the guilt I felt - but I thought to myself, OK, have some faith. Give it a try... For the past 3 months I have been giving my first fruits. Have I run out of money at the end of the month? Christmas was just last month, did I not have enough for gifts for the kids and family? No, quite the opposite. In fact, I must say that I feel more secure then I have in a long time. This idea of faith in giving is still new to me, and I still wrestle with that little voice in the back of my mind, but I've decided it's not going to win.
So why do I even give? I mean, that is the root of the issue. I've explained how I give, but have I explained the why? Yeah, I think I have. It all has to do with faith. I give because of faith. The way I give is because of faith. You know what? During the summer, was my church really OK without my giving? maybe... but perhaps we as a church could have given one more scholarship to youth church camp if I had given my first fruits commitment. I give because I have felt a warming in my heart, I can only explain it as faith, and that by giving to my church, I am expressing that faith in God, in the spiritual journey that my church supports, and in my faith.
Dig deep...ask yourselves those hard questions, and wrestle with that inner voice that challenges you. Perhaps you will find a better way to give as well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)