Personality

I took a  personality test the other day... just because. I've done this before, and none of this surprises me whatsoever - in fact, the highlighted stuff is me to at "T". In case you are interested the I stands for Introvert, S for sensing, F for feeling, and J for judging. The opposite of these would be E for Extrovert, N for iNtuition, T for thinking, and P for perception. So, anyways, if you are interested in learning more, you should look into the Myers-Briggs personality types. It is very interesting. Not that this helps with any of my own problems, but I suppose it sort of helps me realize that I'm unique, and yet not alone in this world - that there are others with similar personalities. :)

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)
ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses.
In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.
While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.
Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem.

Am I in this alone?

I am tired ... my brain won't stop thinking.
I want to cry.

There is so much work to do ... who will do it if I don't step up. It falls on my shoulders 1/2 the time anyways. Is that because I can't take it any more and have to step up myself.

It is SO hard for me to not take over. I'm working on it. I've burnt myself out so many times because I have taken over on too many projects. But when I see something being done 1/2 as well as it should (and not just by my standards, but others) it bothers me. When I see no real leadership during a project ... no one knows what's going on, and everyone assumes someone else is doing it... it bothers me. Little by little, I take over - sometimes knowing what I am doing, sometimes simply because I ask a question, and it gets delegated to me.

Why do I feel that everything needs to involve me? That if it's not done well, or done to my standards, it will fail? I never thought I had high standards... I never measured up usually to other people's standards - perhaps that is why mine are so high in comparison to others I see - and perhaps that is why I judge them so harshly.

How can I stop this? It makes me feel ill! I feel alienated, and that I have no real friends. Do I push them away?

Today, I feel alone. I should be looking for God's presence... I'm sure it's there. Why is it not enough for me? Why do I crave connection to others so much? God, I pray for those who are really alone - no family nearby, no one else living in their home.

So... I AM tired... my brain really won't stop thinking... and I want to cry...

Of Service and In Service....

"To serve is beautiful, but only if it is done with joy and a whole heart and a free mind"

Pearl S. Buck (1892-1973) American novelist

 

I have been thinking a lot about service. When one decides to become a member of the Methodist church, they pledge to be faithful to God through Prayers,  Presences,  Gifts and  Service (and  Witness is in there somewhere too). 

 

I often have to look for volunteers for things - it's hard, and exhausting. I feel often that I am asking the same people, because I somehow know I'll get them to help one way or the other. If I put out an open-ended invitation to volunteer in service, I usually get no one. I take on a lot of service myself, sometimes because I truly want to - but most times because I feel like "If not me, then who?" 

 

And then I saw the above quote, and it got me thinking about why people do, or don't, volunteer. Service should NOT be a chore. When it starts feeling like a chore, you have probably reached burn out. Sometimes, those of us who volunteer can become resentful of those who do not - I am so very guilty of this. Sometimes I have a running dialog in my head - "Why doesn't Jane Doe ever volunteer?" or "Why does Jon Doe say that he wants to volunteer, but when volunteers are asked for, he never steps up?" I find that I have to remind myself about why we feel motivated to volunteer - remember that payoff I spoke of in a different post. Service should be done with Joy - if you don't have the payoff of Joy, then why are you serving? Service should be done with the whole heart - if you are only serving because you feel you should - that your heart is not fully into your service - why are you serving? Service should be done with a free mind - free will, we do service because we WANT to, not because we HAVE to, not because it is a chore for us. 

 

I was not raised with these ideas. I remember often hearing that exasperated tone in my parents' voice when there was a "Trustee Work Day" at church -- "Why do we HAVE to go mom? I don't want to clean up the church." -- "Because that is what you do when you are part of the church. you don't have to like it, but you HAVE to serve. If you didn't serve, then nothing would get done, the church would fall apart. It is up to everyone to do their part - it is what you need to do as a member of the church." I'm sure that most parents force their children to do service now and again, because otherwise, how will children even learn to experience service. But I could always tell that my parents felt this way themselves -- they didn't necessarily want to do the service either - but they felt guilty if they didn't help out in some way, and they felt it was their job, their duty, as members of the church.  There was never any joy in serving. Our heart wasn't really in it, and with a free mind? yeah, right!  

 

I think that my upbringing in service has tainted the way I see service. I find myself criticizing those who do not serve. I find myself wanting to make them feel guilty so that they WILL serve.  But... wouldn't it be better to find a way into their heart so that they will serve with joy, instead of requiring service and having malice in their heart the entire time they are serving? 

 

I wish I knew what that magic element was to encourage service in others.  I could REALLY use some Sunday School teachers - but... I come up against a couple of brick walls - Some are totally afraid to help - feeling like they don't know how to work with children. Others are parents who just want a break (I totally understand - I'm a parent too). I don't want to guilt people into doing something like this -- "If we don't have anyone who volunteers, we won't have ANY Sunday School." -- the children will ultimately be the ones who suffer from this if their teachers are not fully into their service with joy and free will. 

So, I'm still struggling. I understand that some people are just not there - spiritually. They don't feel led to be in service, or of service, in a particular area, such as Sunday School. Some people are felt to lead in other areas of the church - they are already helping joyfully.  Some people have served so much in their life that they are tired - they are burnt out. They no longer feel joy when they serve. We are all in a different spot. I think I'm in the middle of serving Joyfully and burnout.  I LOVE teaching Sunday School. But some days it feels like a chore.  I enjoy being a tech person and helping out with the PowerPoint presentations during worship - but I definitely could use a break there.  I REALLY want to help out with service out in the community - like our monthly Joyful Hammer work day at Patrick's Point State Park -- but I don't have the time.

 

I just want to leave you with  something that happened to our own family just a few weeks ago. I have probably gone a little far the other way, and I don't require service of my children. Sometimes they end up doing it automatically just because I am - and if they are around, I'll ask for help. They usually do it. Well, on April 13th, my son asked me if he could work with his Boy Scout troop at the Patrick's Point clean up day. I'm sure that a little peer pressure helped there, as all the other boys were going to do it. But, I asked him - "Are you sure you want to?" -- "Of course Mom" came the response! So, I hope that I can continue to find myself joyfully in service to others and of service to my church - and that my own children will learn this as well. 

 

"The meaning of life is to find your gift - the purpose of life is to give it away!" - Unknown

 May you find your gifts in service!

 

Question #5

I'm skipping around I suppose. This question called to me - yes, I needed to reflect on it.

Am I a slave to dress, friends, work or habits?

Yes, I am. I don't think I'm such a slave to dress - I don't have to have designer clothes, and I often buy my clothes from the thrift shop. I have my own style and my own tastes. They are perhaps influenced by those around me, but when it comes to dress, I am not a slave to those influences.

I am, however a slave to my friends and work - for sure. I am a people pleaser. I often do things so that people will like me. I do more at work for recognition. I am a slave to my work because I want to do a good job. I am a slave to the people at work because I have a hard time with my boundaries and I can't seem to always say no. I work on this constantly. I often feel like if I were to really try to NOT be a slave to work or friends that I would become a bitch - or I guess really that I would be seen as a bitch.

So, you know that golden rule - do unto others as you would have them do unto you (or something like that). Maybe I take that too literally. I am a slave to my friends, doing countless favors to them, because I suppose I hope that one day they can return me the favors. If I was in need, I would hope that my friends would be there for me. I am a slave to work, doing things often above and beyond - not sure why I do this, but it's in my nature I suppose. I don't know how to not do it. Some weeks, I don't give work 110%, and I feel like crap because of this - like I've let them down in some way.  And in some cases, I now feel that people have come to expect things of me, so when I really want to tell them no, I can't, I feel I have no place to do so.

Let me reflect a bit more on work. I work at a church - my church. I have been told by a variety of people at my job that they don't want me to NOT come to worship on Sundays because I need a "break" from work. That people are asking me too many work questions on Sunday. My response is often - I don't mind. I suppose this is not entirely true - and my boundaries are not well defined on a Sunday morning. Here is as defined as I can get. If it revolves around the Sunday Service - if something that I have done during the week has made it such that something is not going smooth. If I forgot to print out enough bulletins, or if I forgot to put out a sign up sheet for something - basically if I should have done something during the week, and I have forgotten it on Sunday - I need to do it, and I don't mind being asked. If someone is trying to use the office equipment on Sunday - the copier, computer, etc - and they don't know how - please, by all means, ask me. This will save me, and you, heartache in the end. If someone is asking me to do something next week - leave a note on my desk. If you are wanting to sign up for something - leave a note on my desk (or sign up for it on the welcome table if that is where it is). If you want something announced in the bulletin - send me an email, please! If I got something wrong with some sort of announcement (i.e. date, time, etc) just announce it and send me and email or leave me a note gently reminding me of it. Most likely it was a typo. If I am on vacation, and it's not an emergency - don't call me on Sunday. What's an emergency? The PowerPoint NOT turning on properly is NOT an emergency. All the computers blowing up and I may have chaos in the office when I get back on Monday - that may be considered a minor emergency. Yeah, OK... no clear, black and white, boundaries for me. It's a grey area, I think. I mean, I feel it comes as part of the job. If you don't see me all week, and then on Sunday, you see me and ,oh, you remembered something you wanted to talk to me about, work related, I totally understand why you are coming up to me to talk to me about it - but really, leave me a note. I won't remember what it is you want me to do otherwise.

I suppose, in order for me to NOT be a slave to my work, I need to work a little harder on my boundaries. I have this book - boundaries... It's a christian book, maybe you've heard of it. I have the workbook too. yeah, I started it, and then I put it down about a year ago. Perhaps I should pick it back up again.

So, now, am I a slave to my habits. Actually, I almost wish I was a slave to my habits. I wish that my habits of working out, eating right, praying, reading, etc were ingrained enough that I absolutely had to do them or life would stop. When I do these healthy habits, I am such a better person. I'm not a slave to my bad habits either... Thank goodness I am not addicted to any substance that I have to be a slave to. I think that being a slave to your habits - your good, healthy habits, is not necessarily a bad thing.

Question #2

Here is Question #2 of Wesleyan Spiritual Practice - Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?

As a society, I think we exaggerate a lot. If you want a certain type of reaction, you have to exaggerate, or else no one notices.

I'm sure sometimes I exaggerate. When my kids are doing something annoying - I probably exaggerate the extent of their annoyance - I want the mom sympathy vote.

My husband sometimes accuses me of exaggerating time - I have what he calls "chronic time urgency" - so I am constantly exaggerating how little time we have. Hey, I don't like to be late.

I exaggerate my husband's short comings - using words like "always" and "never" - I know I do this a lot. Sometimes, in the moment, it "feels" like always, and never... but in reality, that is not the case.

Sometimes I exaggerate my attitude. I get depressed often - but I don't want to show it if I can help it. Usually you know if it's popping through, it's because I have exaggerated the happy attitude too much, and it has become exhausting to keep it up.

Sometimes, when things are going bad - I can exaggerate the awfulness.  Sometimes, it really is a bunch of stuff going on all at once - like yesterday - I swear it was one bad thing after another. And sometimes it's not a lot of bad stuff, but I might exaggerate it a little because I'm feeling so horrible - I feel I have to justify why I feel that way. 

Why is it that I always over exaggerate the bad - and not the good.  I don't think I have really over exaggerated the amount of money I donate to any charity or cause - maybe because I am ashamed at how little I do donate. Some people, I suppose, my feel that guilt and exaggerate the amount. I think if I did that, I would feel even more guilty. I have to be honest with myself - because I know that in turn is being honest with God. No one else is going to know if I have exaggerated or not - but God will.

Weslyan Questions - #1

Every day, members of the John Wesley's Holy Club asked themselves 22 questions in their private, daily devotions. Funny thing is, these questions are startlingly relevant today. Well, I want to take a little time to reflect on each question. I'm sure these will kick my butt!


Question 1: Am I consciously, or unconsciously, creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I a hypocrite?

No, I'm not a hypocrite... I'm just that awesome! -- ha ha... yeah right.
 
As I think on this question - my answer is most definitely YES. More unconsciously then consciously I'm sure - and also more because I have the best of intentions, just no follow through. In this area, I think more about my parenting.  There are some things that I know I've done right.  Bed time routine, for example, I nailed it right on the head. Other things, not so much. I see other kids get a bunch of screen time - their moms placing them in front of the TV for a movie, or to play video games. My favorite thing to say "Oh, I ONLY let my children have 30 min. a day of screen time. That is the recommended limit, after all." Reality - I'm a total hypocrite! Most school days my kids don't get a lot of time with screens, but 30 minutes? yeah right. That is so much easier said then done. An hour, or more, is more like it. 

Here is something I think about with this question spiritually - I am a Methodist. The Methodist slogan is Open Doors, Open Minds, Open Hearts (OK, maybe not in that order... I can't remember). I tell people that this is what I believe - but do I really? 

Open Doors - yes, I do believe in open doors. We should be a group of people who accept and welcome everyone! Then I started to think this - If someone, or a group of people, came in who looked as though they were obvious transients, would I welcome them? Well, at work, I do - because I have to. It's my job to be kind, and gentle. "How can I help you?" is my attitude. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your hard story" I say with a smile - give out food, phone numbers "sure, you can sit on the couch for a while out of the rain." - I would want someone to do the same for me, truly. Our church's extreme weather shelter is for people who are homeless, local or transient. Should I be open to them coming into my church for this necessity. I would be perfectly OK with helping them. Every person deserves respect and a chance to not freeze at night. I would welcome them. BUT, cue the exact same person, or group of people, coming into church on Sunday - I probably would not give them the time of day. I'm being honest here - if I saw the same sort of person come in, I would probably put up my radar, and I would be cautious. I would make sure my children steered away from this person - and I would probably watch these people like a hawk to make sure that they are being appropriate in the building. I most likely would not walk up to any of them and ask them how I could help them out, or if they needed help. I probably would not offer anything. I kind of don't like these thoughts. But if I'm being honest, take off my "Office Coordinator" hat and put on my "mama bear" hat, I don't want be "open" during my time in my safe church to someone that I obviously have a small wall in my brain against.

Open Minds - is my mind TRULY open to other people's points of view. I have always been able to see both sides of any issue - I often like to play devil's advocate. Thing is, just because I can see both sides doesn't always mean I can accept the other side as valid. Case and point - some conservative ways of thinking. While I can see their view on some issues like gun control or abortion, I cannot bring myself to accept their point of view. Sometimes, deep inside, I really feel they are wrong because they don't have the same view on some issues as I do. Outwardly, I may sound differently, even accepting of their point of view, because I don't want to cause any arguments - deep down I am different. It is one reason I do not talk politics with many of my friends and family. I have many conservative friends - and most of my natal family have conservative ideals. I learned to either say that I agree with them, and move on, or not talk about it at all. I have learned how to be the best hypocrite in this area.
 
Open Hearts - I feel that my heart is open - to all those who are in pain. I get a prayer request throughout my week - and I pray for everyone on the list - sometimes several times. I do not like knowing people are in pain. I probably would pray for the same transient people I listed above. I don't wish anyone ill will - and I'm being totally honest. 

Wow, when I started out with this questions, I didn't expect it to end like this. Now I need to decide what to do with my revelations. How can I change my hypocrisy? Do I want to?

Caring is Exhausting...

Some days I wish I didn't care! I think this is true for a lot of us. Caring can be exhausting, it IS exhausting . Most of the time, we care so much that we burn out. We either don't care for ourselves, and so therefor burn out happens, or sometimes we don't get something in return, causing burn out.  We all know that we say that we don't do something in order to get something out of it, but I have to go with Dr. Phil on this one...ALL actions have some sort of payoff. We ALWAYS get something out of every deed we do. Sometimes that payoff is the good feelings we get from helping someone in need. They don't have to do the reciprocating, the reciprocation of caring is in the deed.  Sometimes our pay off is a simple thank you, sometimes our pay off is money, or someone else doing a good deed for us (pay back) or for some a deed for others (pay it forward).

But there comes a time where you still continue to care - and there is no payoff. Perhaps what was working for you before - that good feeling of doing something nice, or calling up a friend out of the blue to hear their voice - isn't working anymore, and when this happens, caring feels like it doesn't matter. When our caring goes unnoticed - sometimes we stop noticing too.

I have reached that point - I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to care that I have few friends who call me up, just to see how I'm doing or to ask if I want lunch. I don't want to care that my church is always a mess because others don't clean up after themselves and there is no pride in the building. I don't want to care that parents don't often take the common courtesies to notify me if their child cannot make a lesson - or they conveniently forget.  I don't want to care that people take advantage of my good nature and call me at 9pm at night for something they need done the next day.

I really DON'T want to care about all that - but I do. I DON'T want to care what others think of me if I didn't care about all that, but I do. I DON'T want to care about how I would feel, ultimately, if  I really didn't care - but I do.

Truth is - 90% of the time, I clean up my church because I love my church and I want it to look nice - and if this means taking an extra hour out of my day to vacuum and take care of chairs - I do it. 90% of the time, I call up my friends because I want the pleasure of their company - and I know that they are busy and unable to think past their own list of items to do. 90% of the time I am silently relieved when I don't have to teach a lesson - though I'm sad for not having the extra income - I usually have so much on my list to do, it lightens the load.  90% of the time, I'm happy to help out in any way I can, and whether it's my job or not to be available at 9pm to do a work project, I enjoy it, and glad that I'm able to help out.

It's what happens the other 10% of the time that is hard. It sometimes worries me. I would be so easy to shut down and not care. But that's not me. 10% of the time I want to yell at someone to clean up their own mess instead of making me do it. 10% of the time I want to criticize my friends - telling them that I'm busy and I seem to find the time for my friends, why can't they! 10% of the time, I want to say "No, I can't do that project, it's 9pm and this is MY time - get a life and maybe stop procrastinating." 10% of the time I want to stop teaching because I just don't want to deal with parents any more.

Now I'm thinking about the few people who probably know me who read this blog are probably wondering am I talking about you? I dunno - I'm sure I've been guilty of doing one of the above to someone else (except the procrastinating... you all know I'm NOT a procrastinator) The thing is this week, I have been exhausted by caring - it makes me rather sad actually. I don't want to NOT care. I don't want people to stop coming to me with their problems, or to stop asking me to do special projects.  But, it's obvious that I'm not getting any payoff at this point. What has changed? I don't know. Maybe I do want a little recognition - I don't need it always, but sometimes it would be nice. Maybe I do need someone to call me out of the blue and ask me to lunch. I don't mentioned these things so that all of a sudden, others feel bad.  I bet if you look deep down - you feel this way sometimes too. OK, maybe I do wish that people would not procrastinate and would maybe think about how that affects other people. :) I guess what I'm trying to say is that the next time we see someone who doesn't seem to care - think about the times where you have gotten exhausted from caring. Perhaps they are in that space at that moment in time.

I don't want to NOT care - but that is how it is today. May you care deeply in my stead, and I'll try to be back up and running in no time.