Doing Christmas with JOY

So, as a mom, we all know that this time of year is hard. Like most moms, I have children who know how to be thankful, know that they "should" be less self centered - but lets face it... the "me" bug hits hard this time of year. And the age where my children are (9 and 11), it is also just part of their development. But, as a mom, it is my job to help teach them, even though it may seem futile.

Yes, it's not even Thanksgiving, and I'm writing about Christmas - but it's because of the fact that Advent starts so close to Thanksgiving this year that I am already thinking ahead. I noticed the other day other mom friends having similar thoughts. How can we be sure that this year is different - or how can we continue to teach our children through an ever increasing commercialization that takes over this time of year.

One friend mentioned celebrating the season with J.O.Y - Jesus, Others, Yourself (in that order). This is not a new concept - is a simple concept - and is often overlooked. So, this year, I am remembering to celebrate the season with JOY for myself, and for my children.

So, how can we do this?

Jesus: Remember the reason for the season. There will be tons of super conservative folks out there who will throw in my face that Jesus wasn't born in the winter and that Christmas started out as a pagan holiday, blah, blah, blah. I'm not going to discount any of this. The origins of why we celebrate Jesus' birth in December does not mean we should not celebrate Christmas for the right reasons... and that is the birth of Christ (come on, how many have celebrated a birthday at a different time of year because of when your birthday falls?) So, remember Jesus and the coming hope this season. One of the ways we do this as a family is to light an advent wreath throughout the season of Advent (my children make one every year at our church - but you can make one easily enough). Each week we light the correct amount of candles, and focus on the themes of Advent: Hope, Peace, Joy and Love.

Others: This should be an easy one, right? Think of someone else this season. It's when most donations go UP for organizations. The other day I was speaking to our pastor, and he reminded me about giving this time of year, and how one of the best ways is to give a gift that will go beyond Christmas. When I was a kid, our church did holiday food boxes - in youth group we got to go shopping for these food boxes. I remember thinking how much fun that was, for us, to give something to someone who had little. But that doesn't fill a bigger need. While these boxes (or holiday gifts) are important for families - we all want the holidays to be special - we need to think beyond the holidays. So.. Consider the organizations you give to - I would highly suggest giving to your church. Most churches have some sort of Family Assistance fund - or a pastor's discretionary fund where the pastor can help out someone in need. Consider giving money to this, or food cards, gas cards, grocery cards. These can be used during the holiday season AND beyond.

Yourself: And then the part we all love - giving to you... well, after we have thought of the first two, "you" doesn't seem so important, does it. This is when I realized I truly have all I "need" and most of what I "want". Sometimes my "wants" and "needs" are skewed - and this helps me to realize what is important. This season, people have already been asking me, "what do you want for Christmas?" I can honestly say that there isn't anything, besides TIME, that I want for Christmas. Maybe this means I've finally grown up...

So there you have it. May we all have much JOY this holiday season.

The Gospel According to Dave

At work, my boss asked me to put up some quotes all around the building - thought provoking quotes to get people talking. I had to stop myself because really, all I wanted to do was put up a whole bunch of Dave Matthews quotes.

Yes, I am a HUGE fan! His music is amazing - but part of the reason why his music is so amazing is because it talks directly to me. There is so much we can learn from Dave - who by the way was born a Quaker and doesn't necessarily consider himself religious these days. I think God speaks through Dave more than anyone can know. God speaks through all musicians, if we are brave enough to listen.

Here are a few favorite verses from the Gospel of Dave...

The future is no place to place your better days.

Could I have been anyone other than me.

Crazy as I may make my way through this world, it's for no one but me to say what direction I shall turn.

A couple of my favorite songs you must listen to - cause there is so much he is saying in them:

Funny the Way it Is
Captain
Everyday
Dive In

And if you can't tell what he's saying, or you're not sure you agree - listen again. :)

There's a man...

There's a mentally ill man who walks the streets of Arcata and Mckinleyville daily. If you are close to the Valley west area of Arcata in the mornings, or anywhere in McKinleyville in the afternoons, you probably have seen him. All he does is walk .... and talk to himself. I saw him today - he looked cold. He always seems to have clean clothes on and newish shoes - I don't know if he is homeless or not. He always seems somewhat clean. But he's walking, and talking.... and this morning he was shivering.  I said a little prayer for him today.

My guard is always up when he comes around the church - he comes in at least once every other day, and on the days he doesn't come in, he passes by and looks in the windows.  I'll admit, I'm a little fearful. I don't know what this man's mental illness is - and it is plain to see when you meet him that he is having to deal with something.  He hasn't ever shown me any violence, but I have seen him yell at others. So, I keep my guard up. Sometimes I am at the church when it is late - 5pm or later - due to something my children are doing (karate or scouts). I'm protective.... if it's jut myself and my children there, I will make sure the door is locked if I see him down the street, or if he comes in when I don't notice, I tell him the church is closed. He almost always calmly leaves.  I often feel bad, but since I don't know this man, I am putting my gut feelings, and possibly my judgements, over compassion as I am in protective mode.

But... today I said a prayer for him. I said a prayer for all mentally ill... for those who have the courage to work with the mentally ill... for all those, like myself, who sometimes turn their heads on the mentally ill.  I said a prayer today, for compassion, for love, for understanding.

Hate

Paula Deen is a racist. It's all in the news. She said the "N" word. Everyone is in an uproar over it. Some are in total support of Paula - hey, she apologized, right? - and some are completely against her now. Here's something I have heard a lot since this public outrage - Well, gee, if black people can say the "N" word towards each other, or in rap songs, why can't Paula - or "Why are we outraged over a rich white woman saying these things but not over rich black men who are rappers who say these things?"


What is it that we teach our children? I don't know about you, but when my child does something and he tells me, "But little Johnny was doing that too!" - do I accept that? Do you accept that when your child says something similar? Ok, maybe you do.... but most of the moms I know do NOT! I tell my son - "Just because someone else does this thing does not make it OK for you to do it!"  It is the same with this whole "N" word and Paula Dean issue. Just because some prominent people in society say something doesn't make it OK. It is NOT OK for Paula Dean to say the "N" word just because it is sometimes heard by people of color towards each other. If you listen closely, it has negative connotations, no matter who says it. Why would it EVER be OK to use any dirogitory term towards ANYONE!? Lets remember the wise word's of  Thumper -

 

The best thing we can do as human beings is to stop the hate - stop it in it's tracks. When someone says something that is hurtful - don't listen, say something, step up - but don't fuel it with more hate. Don't spread HATE for what Paula Deen has said.... Educate! We all can learn from this. Spreading more hateful words around just causes the circle of hate to perpetuate. Don't contribute to these thought processes.

Do not mistake this post as something that is glossing over the many different places that the "N" word is still ever present in our society today. What do I want you to take home from this? Look at your own thoughts on racism - and prejudice in general. Whether you want to accept it or not, we all have a little prejudice. It is how we deal with our own prejudice that sets us apart. Don't give in to hate.

pretending to be happy

Pretending to be happy is all I know what to do right now. We all pretend to be happy when we are really hurting... Me? I don't often like to open up until I end up bursting, then I can't help it.

I'm at an almost bursting point right now... but when someone asks me "How are you doing?" - the only thing I know to answer is "great! how about you?" with a big smile. I figured no one really wants to know that deep inside, I'm questioning some my current career path - that I love working, I love where I work, I love what I do, but finding myself feeling so unsettled and not sure about things, and feeling like I haven't been very affective lately at my job. No one really wants to know that I don't really have it all together. That at any second, all the balls will drop, or can drop, and that when they do, I'll be a mess. No one wants to know how stressed I am, every single day. That I say yes to things, and constantly regret them, but because of how I was raised, and my ethics, I almost never take back that yes (the only times have been if there is something really important preventing me from doing it that I neglected to look at).

I pretend to be happy, but most days, I just want someone to call me up and say "hey, how are you doing? are you buys for lunch?" or have my husband surprise me with a dinner date. I pretend to be happy when it occurs to me that I have gone a full week without a single friend calling me up - all because I've been so busy I haven't had time to breath. Maybe they have been busy too, but at that moment, I'm selfish, and sad.

When talking to someone who clearly has major problems that they need help with - and a shoulder to cry on or lean on - I pretend to be happy. Pretend that I don't have any problems, because mine are so much more insignificant compared to theirs, and in that moment, they are the ones who matter, not me.

Most days, I look like I have it all together. I have a smile on my face, and I often ignore everything that is bothering me...Today, I want my family together. I don't want to be so needed by everyone. I don't want to care about money (my money, or the money of the organization I work for). I don't want to worry about my friends going through divorces, or family members having marriage problems. I don't want to think about my child's attitude problems due to screen time - and heck yeah, I want to just plug them in because I want to relax myself. I don't want to be responsible - or be the ONLY one responsible.... cleaning up after everyone, being the bad guy saying no, cleaning up after kid puke, cat puke or dog poop.

The Sun is out, it is shining. I should be happy. God is good, I should be happy.  My kids are amazing, I have a great marriage - not devoid of problems, but we work them out - I should be happy. I have an amazing job, a great church family, I should be happy. I should be happy because I am relatively well, I don't get sick very often. I should be happy because our money problems are stabilizing - not out of the wood works yet, but oh so much better then they were a year ago. So, why am I only pretending today to be happy. Why do I have this super hollow feeling inside - and why do I not feel like what I'm doing, and what is going on around me, is enough - to fulfill me, to make me the person I want to be, to please others and my family, etc.

So, today, when I'm out an about, I suppose I'll continue to pretend to be happy - it's all I know how to do right now.

Make room for Jesus

I'm not used to being a part of something so "christian" as church camp. I went to church camp when I was a kid - I loved it! But, I have always been just a little bit uncomfortable with a little TOO much Jesus. I think a few of our kids at camp might feel the same way. We don't speak a lot of "Jesus Talk" or "God Speak" at the Church of the Joyful Healer.

There is actually something soothing and fun about being at an all christian - all Methodist youth church camp. Not too long ago I had someone in my church say that we should encourage the children of our church to go to church camps that are closer to home - camps that are NOT Methodist - but are Presbyterian, Lutheran, Baptist, etc. As Methodists, we are open to all faiths - and all dogmas - so this idea to have my child go to a different denomination camp should not bother me. But I somehow would rather not encourage that of my own children - at least at this time. If they had a friend who asked them to camp, that would be something different. But, there is just something about going to a Methodist Church camp when you are Methodists.

Let me pull back a moment, and explain something that happened a few months ago. We were visiting a friend of mine who happens to be Mormon - and her son asked my sons - "So what religion are you?" - of course my kids were like - "uh, we believe in God" - and he came back with "no, what are you? like are you Mormon like us, or some other religion?" This made me think that my kids don't even know that they are being raised Methodist.

So, back to camp - having my child at church camp - and not just church camp, but a Methodist Church Camp - helps them to find an identity to their faith. It helps them to see that there are others who believe similar to them. Not that there isn't similarity between all churches, dogmas, and even religions, but there is just something about having that similarity and identity. It's not segregation of religions... it's not saying that they should only get together with others who believe as they do... it's just a commonality between everyone who is there - and to a child, this commonality supports identity and creates long lasting bonds!

Today, I have seen my son play, interact, talk, etc with a very diverse group of youth! If he comes back next year, he will see many of the same youth! He will gain friendships for life! Perhaps he will grow in faith. He will definitely have positive role models. For all the headaches that have happened because of camp - fundraising, drivers, etc - I am glad that my child has got this experience! I hope he wants to go back for another year! or MORE!! And who knows, perhaps I'll have forgotten all the pains leading up to the experience, and choose to do it again as well! :) Being "Camp Mom" is kind of fun! and it's great having all the kids from church here to check in on!

Rainbows

This is a heated topic - especially in the Methodist Church. The reason why I love Methodists is that we all have different opinions! The reason I get frustrated with Methodists is that we all have different opinions. It's not like I pretend that my opinion is the right one. I have to say I believe I'm fairly middle of the road thinking - which is a blessing and a curse because I feel that I see both sides of the issues too well, and it often makes it hard for myself to formulate my own feelings on certain issues.  However, this is an issue I do feel strong about - and I am often quiet about because too many of my friends and family are on the other side of the fence.  I want to be silent no more - I'm trying.

The supreme court voted that DOMA and Prop 8 are unconstitutional! FINALLY!! It was a close one - like in our own Methodist guidelines - the fight for full inclusion is still a close one. I know the scriptures that many try to throw at you to show that God was against anything besides heterosexual unions - and I'm sorry, if you look at the context of those scriptures, in my eyes and interpretations, they do not add up. When it comes to true love - gay or straight - Love is Love and God is for ALL love! When it comes to all people - whether you are of a different race, ethnic background, sexual orientation or anything else - Jesus loves you!

OK - side note here - do you know how hard it is for me to admit myself that Jesus loves me?! And for me to say it to you, that is even harder. I don't go for that whole "sin" thing.... I hate the word "sin" - I hate the context it is used in. I hate that it is so used that we all feel unworthy. I hate that I am quiet about my beliefs - that while I feel this close and personal relationship with God and Jesus, I still don't feel fully comfortable talking about it, talking about sin, accepting that the real definition of sin is not doing something BAD but simply missing the mark. That God is not disappointed in me.

So, that being said - God loves you. Jesus loves you. You are not a disappointment! If you love differently, it's OK. Guess what... if you disagree with me - it's still OK. God loves you! If I can change your mind - I will try. But I do not condemn you for having a different view from me. Please don't use your view to hate. And thank God for open-mindedness.

Reflections Day #3 - Annual Church Conference Session 2013

I should  have mentioned that Day 2's reflection really had a little bit of Day 3 in there. See, you break up into legislative sections on Day 2, and discuss everything in your section and vote on your section's items - but all the other stuff about voting on the consent calendar and the other items you don't even do or hear about until Day 3. For me, Day 3 was my last day - I didn't get to go to Saturday's events.

Also, in all my excitement over the legislative items, I neglected to reflect on the best part of Day 2 - the fixing of appointments!

Did you know that your pastor is only appointed for one year?  They have to be re-appointed every year that they are here! Of course this isn't the olden days - and pastors now know ahead of time if they are being moved to another church - but the official fixing of appointments is still awesome.

Each districts is called at different times, and the Great-Northern District is 2nd for the Thursday morning.  I have to say, I feel a bit of a traitor on this day - I walk in with Bethany and Jason - who will be interns at Arcata next year - and we sit next to the Arcata UMC group - Steve and Hillarie come in later and there is no room - they sit behind. I must say, I'm very excited for Jason and Bethany - maybe a little over enthusiastic about the whole situation, but I really like them. Anyways, This is Jason and Bethany's first conference - everything is new and they don't know what to expect. Names of churches are called along with those who are appointed - As the names of the appointed are called, they stand. Yes, when Arcata UMC is called, Cindy is appointed, and then Jason and Bethany appointed next. (I realize now I write all this assuming that 99% of those reading this know exactly who I am talking about).  After everyone in the district is called, the rest of the group lays hands upon these appointed - I was there to do this for Jason and Bethany and I felt so moved by the whole situation. This is a new step for them and a new step for Arcata UMC - and though I was there to represent the Church of the Joyful Healer - I felt a part of Arcata UMC at that moment in time. It was AWESOME.

So, on with Day 3 - there are other Fixing of appointments that happen - and many awards. Two members of Eureka 1st UMC, Ken and Paula Blackshear, got the Bishop's Award this year! The Bishop's Award is always inspiring - there are so many people in the United Methodist Church doing amazing things - for other people!

Day 3 is such a hodge podge of stuff, and there is ample time to go look at things upstairs. Upstairs is Cokesbury Book Store  and the Mission Handcrafts... there are booths about many of the different groups within the conference or other groups that are supported in and through the United Methodist Church.  If you go when everyone else is listening to a boring speech (yes, there are a few of these) - you can peruse the area with very little congestion. I got a few fun things for the boys through Mission Handcrafts - got myself a couple of fun books that I hope to use in JoyWorks (the parables of Dr. Seuss! you know you want to borrow it!).

Kids at Conference - I have to explain this before I go on to the next cool thing that happened on Day 3. There is a glorified childcare at conference called "Kids at Conference" - my kids loved it. As a parent and former childcare worker, of course I'm a little critical of programs like this and I know that there are things they could have done better (one thing was to not have so much down time that kids bring their DS with them and do that for hours! - OK, I could have said no, but when there isn't anything else for them to do, and the other 5 boys have their DS, I suppose at least they are playing together, in a way, sort of....) But, in general, I was pleased with the program. The boys went swimming a lot, went to the Indian Museum in Sacramento, A movie ... they had fun, so that is truly all that matters. At the end, they have all the kids who were a part of "Kids at Conference" come up on stage during the special offering time - they present the offering to the Bishop. The offering this year was Bridge of Love to Angola - to re-build a medical clinic in a place called Bom Jesus in Angola. It was touching - it was moving (I want to go do a mission in Africa now! Actually, I've wanted to for a while - too bad I don't have the money to do so, and well, I suppose I'm a little scared - ok, I've gotten you distracted). They sang a song from Angola (did you know the common vernacular in Angola is Portuguese? It was very cool.

After the presentation - we pick up our kids to go to the District Dinners. Funny thing happened at this time - we are on our way down the escalators and I see Rod! I tell the kids "Say hi to Pastor Rod!" - Quinn then says "That's Pastor Rod??!!" - at the District Dinner Rod comes to say hi - and Quinn tells him he's gotten old... ah... children, they don't hold anything back.

District dinner is a time where just the people of our district get together. It's kind of fun - Cindy had a game going on during the dinner. I was so involved in getting the kids' food that I didn't participate in it - it's OK, I helped her make up the game. The food was, well.... OK. Not enough. They should ALWAYS plan for more, just in case! Anyways, the boys saw a friend from earlier - they started playing some DS together after we ate (OK, the DS isn't all that bad.... kids really do interact with it - just a lot of screen time). I love district dinner - but we had to leave early. Kids were melting down. It had been a long week.

Back to Steve's house for a tiny bit of swimming - then bed. The adults stayed up late for one more night of fabulous conversation. Getting to know Jason and Bethany was great, and I feel even closer to Hillarie and Steve and Karla! Next year conference is in Burlingame in San Mateo County . It won't be the same, but it'll still be great. There are some boring and negative sides to conference, but on a scale from 1-10, I give conference an 8, and I really do enjoy it!

Annual Conference Session - Day #2 Reflections

Ah... day 2 - legislative time. This is the time in conference where we all get to hear and vote on resolutions - typically these are tied to some sort of social policy - but not always. The resolutions are broken up into groups of 4-5, and then the lay members and clergy who have  voice and vote are split up somewhat randomly into these groups. As smaller bodies, we discuss and vote on these resolutions - sometimes adding amendments, etc. If, when we vote, it passes with 85%, then it automatically goes on the consent calendar - meaning that the resolution does NOT get discussed on the conference floor later. These resolutions can be taken off the consent calendar later - but you must get 10 signatures of people who feel they would also like to discuss it to do so. Those resolutions that do not pass with 85% do NOT go on the consent calendar and are then discussed on the floor later. It's all very political, and mostly interesting. Though I get frustrated when people don't seem to listen to all that is going on - repeating themselves often, or not understanding the words that are spoken when someone suggests something - I enjoy this part of conference.

First I'll talk about the resolutions that were in my section - most passed to the consent calendar.

Item 7 - basically had to do with full inclusion. The original Item 7 was actually out of order with the book of discipline, and they had to re-write this in order to be "in order" and able to be discussed.  This item asks for the CA-NV Conference to provide financial reports on funds that have been used for disciplinary actions towards clergy who provide services to LGBTQ people as they would to non LGBTQ people. (for those of you who don't know, LGBTQ refers to Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning) A few amendments later, and this still does not pass by 85%  and goes to the floor to be discussed (incidentally, this does end up passing on the floor)

Item 8 - This item asks churches to use union workers whenever they contract work. It was amended to say encouraged (instead of a feeling of requirement) and also added a little item to say that this would not be to the exclusion of local businesses... a lot of discussion happened trying to define the word local. It did not pass with 85% - went to the floor and did pass - so basically, whenever possible, we are encouraged to use union businesses verses non-union businesses, but local businesses are A-OK too!

Item 10 - this one felt kind of unnecessary, but now that I think about it, it kind of was. This item encourages people to visit other places of worship at least 2 times a year. Whenever we go out of town, I'm sure many of you visit other places of worship, but have you thought about doing it while you are in town? What about visiting other religious places? Have you been going to your church so long you have forgotten what it was like to be a newbie? This item encourages us ALL to do this! I think about what we are doing with Arcata UMC and Catalyst - perhaps you would like to go to church there on any given Sunday.  Bring back to your church leaders what you felt, what you learned, etc. This item passed with flying colors!

Item 11 - This item was simply to dedicate a Sunday in November to be a Filipino Ministry Sunday - where there will be celebration materials available to honor and celebrate this growing community in North America. This one passed as well with flying colors!

Item 24  - Currently there is a young adult delegate that is separate from our lay members sent to annual conference. These young adults are given voice and vote. A definition of Young Adult in the CA-NV conference is anyone between the ages of 18-35 (this is when I realized I'm still considered a young adult even though I feel so old).  Currently there is only 2 allowed from each district - but this item was to increase that to 3 - which would cause no financial burden. We actually thought it should be higher, so we increased it to 4, and it passed unanimously in section!

Item 25 - was simply a reinstating of a few rules so that certain committees could keep working. These rules were suspended 2 years ago at conference, but they found that without them, certain committees had to be suspended as well. The rules are out dated and need to be revised, but by reinstating the rules, they could continue to work. Of course this passed as well.

Now, a few other items that you may be interested in - because I left early, I am sorry to say I don't know fully all that passed or did not pass, but you may be interested in these still.

Item 2 - This item has to do with our apportionment's - which is the money that we give to the conference from our church to be distributed as needed. Basically, you give an offering to the Joyful Healer - and the Joyful Healer distributes it as needed - and the Joyful Healer basically gives an offering to the conference in the form of "apportionment's". There is a big huge formula on how these are calculated, and it's often confusing. This item was to throw that formula out the window, and replace it with a simple tithe - 10% of income (not pass through funds, but income) to be given as apportionment's to the conference. It was hotly debated both in section and on the floor - but eventually passed.

Item 13 - this was the gun control resolution.  The great thing about Methodists is that we have tons of different ideas on so many issues. In section - this did not pass, so it was brought to the floor - but during floor discussion, it was thought this would be a heated topic. Instead, it wasn't, and passed. This item encourages churches, clergy and lay members to ask for gun reform - specifically in banning of assault weapons, large capacity ammunition magazines and quick load detachable magazines, as well as other aspects of state and federal gun control legislation.

So... there you have it. The major business end of conference - and it almost always is on day 2! We went back to Steve and Karla's house with our gaggle of kids and adults - swam in the pool, put our feet up, had a little communion, and chatted. It was a long and eventful day. We were ready to go back again on Friday!

Annual Conference Session of the CA-NV Conference of the United Methodist Church- Day 1

After a long drive from Humboldt County to Sacramento - taking about 6 1/2 hours instead of 5 hours 25 min, as stated on Google maps, due to driving 4 children and road construction - we all got to conference in perfect timing to drop off the kids at the child care. Rushing into the conference floor, I get to my seat in time to hear the Laity session. For those of you who don't know, the Laity is the body of the church - truly, the Laity IS the church.  If the Pastor is the shepherd, we are the sheep.

So, I suppose I should take time right now to state what our "theme" of conference is this year.

See what you have

See your neighbors too

So, it seems that really, the underlying theme is relationships. Relationships drives us all.

During our Laity session, we had the main guest speaker, Dr. Eric Law, talk to us about the 6 holy currencies - he spoke earlier in the morning, however I was not around yet. So here are some notes and insights that I gleaned from Dr. Law during his workshop session.

In the United Methodist Church, we have appointed "Lay Leaders" - do you know who your lay leaders are? At the Church of the Joyful Healer they are Mary Meyer, Hillarie Beyer and Chris Lehman. but there are more leaders in the church then the Lay Leaders. Everyone has the power to lead. As a Lay Member to Annual Conference, I too am a leader - but I'm also a leader through the activities I do at church. What is a sustainable leader? One who participates, shows something new (new ideas), uses music, helps others, and the list can go on and on.

So now, lets get into the nitty gritty about relationships. We have all heard about "Six degrees of separation" right? Well, there is also a concept called 3 degrees of influence. That means that if you do something, your friend is more likely to do that thing... as well as their friend, and their friends friend.  So, think about it in the context of a congregation. If we had 100 people in our congregation (by the way, our number is more like 200 - so just double these numbers!) and each person has 10 friends - that is 1000 people who are influenced! What if each of those people had 10 friends?? That's 10,000 people! And then 10 friends for each of them - 100,000 people! Oh my goodness! We have incredible influence in what we do with those around us. Think of it for just one person - my example will be myself. If I have 10 friends who have 10 friends who have 10 friends, I'm influencing 1000 people with one action! That is pretty powerful!

Lets talk now about a couple of ideas about congregational relationships.  What if you have a congregation that is pretty tight loving - they take care of each other, they love each other - gee, that would be pretty awesome - for that congregational community. But what about a newcomer? How do they really get in? And then the opposite - a community that is so focused on community outreach - a new come comes in and they are welcomed... woo hoo. But what about if that person is truly in need - where are they going to rest? How are they gong to be nurtured? So of course, the best outcome is a little of both. A tight loving community that is also focused on Outreach - seems like we are talking about what I see at the Joyful Healer. :)

Talking more about relationships - we all know that it is so easy to relate well to those who are like us! It's a fact - if there is someone out there who likes music, works with children (or has children - especially boys close to my own sons age), who is close to my own age and who has similar thoughts as me (religiously, politically, etc) it is going to be a lot easier for me to relate to them. On the opposite end of the spectrum, it is harder for me to relate to someone who is older, maybe no children or someone who has different views on life than I do.

So I want to talk now about cultural make up, because this has so much to do with relationships.  We are all made up of many different cultural components. Culture is not just your race, your ethnicity. In a Social Work class at HSU that I took about 9 years ago, I learned that we not only have the culture we most identify with, but we also have a family culture as well. Here are some ideas of components of culture - but realize the list could go on!

age, gender, physical ability, mental ability, skin color, racial background, ethnic heritage, sexual orientation, marital status, geographical location, migration history, military experience, education, religion, profession, economic status, adoption, nationality, medical condition, theology, language

As we relate to those who are not much like us, we go through a process of adjustment. I wish I could draw the graphic we saw, but I'll do the best I can with what I got.

Expectations (we expect others to be like us, but they aren't) -------> this causes a reaction (anger, fear, confusion) - We can choose to react two ways - the first is to react negatively and withdraw (argue, attack, judge).  The second way is to become aware of our reactions (we react, there is nothing you can really do about a reaction, but you can be aware of the reaction ---> and as we are aware, our reaction subsides, we get more information and understand the culture of someone else. 

This is where day one ends... This day made me uncomfortable - and yet I loved it.  I know that there are many reactions I could take better care to be aware of in myself.

Personality

I took a  personality test the other day... just because. I've done this before, and none of this surprises me whatsoever - in fact, the highlighted stuff is me to at "T". In case you are interested the I stands for Introvert, S for sensing, F for feeling, and J for judging. The opposite of these would be E for Extrovert, N for iNtuition, T for thinking, and P for perception. So, anyways, if you are interested in learning more, you should look into the Myers-Briggs personality types. It is very interesting. Not that this helps with any of my own problems, but I suppose it sort of helps me realize that I'm unique, and yet not alone in this world - that there are others with similar personalities. :)

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)
ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses.
In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.
While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.
Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem.

Am I in this alone?

I am tired ... my brain won't stop thinking.
I want to cry.

There is so much work to do ... who will do it if I don't step up. It falls on my shoulders 1/2 the time anyways. Is that because I can't take it any more and have to step up myself.

It is SO hard for me to not take over. I'm working on it. I've burnt myself out so many times because I have taken over on too many projects. But when I see something being done 1/2 as well as it should (and not just by my standards, but others) it bothers me. When I see no real leadership during a project ... no one knows what's going on, and everyone assumes someone else is doing it... it bothers me. Little by little, I take over - sometimes knowing what I am doing, sometimes simply because I ask a question, and it gets delegated to me.

Why do I feel that everything needs to involve me? That if it's not done well, or done to my standards, it will fail? I never thought I had high standards... I never measured up usually to other people's standards - perhaps that is why mine are so high in comparison to others I see - and perhaps that is why I judge them so harshly.

How can I stop this? It makes me feel ill! I feel alienated, and that I have no real friends. Do I push them away?

Today, I feel alone. I should be looking for God's presence... I'm sure it's there. Why is it not enough for me? Why do I crave connection to others so much? God, I pray for those who are really alone - no family nearby, no one else living in their home.

So... I AM tired... my brain really won't stop thinking... and I want to cry...

Of Service and In Service....

"To serve is beautiful, but only if it is done with joy and a whole heart and a free mind"

Pearl S. Buck (1892-1973) American novelist

 

I have been thinking a lot about service. When one decides to become a member of the Methodist church, they pledge to be faithful to God through Prayers,  Presences,  Gifts and  Service (and  Witness is in there somewhere too). 

 

I often have to look for volunteers for things - it's hard, and exhausting. I feel often that I am asking the same people, because I somehow know I'll get them to help one way or the other. If I put out an open-ended invitation to volunteer in service, I usually get no one. I take on a lot of service myself, sometimes because I truly want to - but most times because I feel like "If not me, then who?" 

 

And then I saw the above quote, and it got me thinking about why people do, or don't, volunteer. Service should NOT be a chore. When it starts feeling like a chore, you have probably reached burn out. Sometimes, those of us who volunteer can become resentful of those who do not - I am so very guilty of this. Sometimes I have a running dialog in my head - "Why doesn't Jane Doe ever volunteer?" or "Why does Jon Doe say that he wants to volunteer, but when volunteers are asked for, he never steps up?" I find that I have to remind myself about why we feel motivated to volunteer - remember that payoff I spoke of in a different post. Service should be done with Joy - if you don't have the payoff of Joy, then why are you serving? Service should be done with the whole heart - if you are only serving because you feel you should - that your heart is not fully into your service - why are you serving? Service should be done with a free mind - free will, we do service because we WANT to, not because we HAVE to, not because it is a chore for us. 

 

I was not raised with these ideas. I remember often hearing that exasperated tone in my parents' voice when there was a "Trustee Work Day" at church -- "Why do we HAVE to go mom? I don't want to clean up the church." -- "Because that is what you do when you are part of the church. you don't have to like it, but you HAVE to serve. If you didn't serve, then nothing would get done, the church would fall apart. It is up to everyone to do their part - it is what you need to do as a member of the church." I'm sure that most parents force their children to do service now and again, because otherwise, how will children even learn to experience service. But I could always tell that my parents felt this way themselves -- they didn't necessarily want to do the service either - but they felt guilty if they didn't help out in some way, and they felt it was their job, their duty, as members of the church.  There was never any joy in serving. Our heart wasn't really in it, and with a free mind? yeah, right!  

 

I think that my upbringing in service has tainted the way I see service. I find myself criticizing those who do not serve. I find myself wanting to make them feel guilty so that they WILL serve.  But... wouldn't it be better to find a way into their heart so that they will serve with joy, instead of requiring service and having malice in their heart the entire time they are serving? 

 

I wish I knew what that magic element was to encourage service in others.  I could REALLY use some Sunday School teachers - but... I come up against a couple of brick walls - Some are totally afraid to help - feeling like they don't know how to work with children. Others are parents who just want a break (I totally understand - I'm a parent too). I don't want to guilt people into doing something like this -- "If we don't have anyone who volunteers, we won't have ANY Sunday School." -- the children will ultimately be the ones who suffer from this if their teachers are not fully into their service with joy and free will. 

So, I'm still struggling. I understand that some people are just not there - spiritually. They don't feel led to be in service, or of service, in a particular area, such as Sunday School. Some people are felt to lead in other areas of the church - they are already helping joyfully.  Some people have served so much in their life that they are tired - they are burnt out. They no longer feel joy when they serve. We are all in a different spot. I think I'm in the middle of serving Joyfully and burnout.  I LOVE teaching Sunday School. But some days it feels like a chore.  I enjoy being a tech person and helping out with the PowerPoint presentations during worship - but I definitely could use a break there.  I REALLY want to help out with service out in the community - like our monthly Joyful Hammer work day at Patrick's Point State Park -- but I don't have the time.

 

I just want to leave you with  something that happened to our own family just a few weeks ago. I have probably gone a little far the other way, and I don't require service of my children. Sometimes they end up doing it automatically just because I am - and if they are around, I'll ask for help. They usually do it. Well, on April 13th, my son asked me if he could work with his Boy Scout troop at the Patrick's Point clean up day. I'm sure that a little peer pressure helped there, as all the other boys were going to do it. But, I asked him - "Are you sure you want to?" -- "Of course Mom" came the response! So, I hope that I can continue to find myself joyfully in service to others and of service to my church - and that my own children will learn this as well. 

 

"The meaning of life is to find your gift - the purpose of life is to give it away!" - Unknown

 May you find your gifts in service!

 

Question #5

I'm skipping around I suppose. This question called to me - yes, I needed to reflect on it.

Am I a slave to dress, friends, work or habits?

Yes, I am. I don't think I'm such a slave to dress - I don't have to have designer clothes, and I often buy my clothes from the thrift shop. I have my own style and my own tastes. They are perhaps influenced by those around me, but when it comes to dress, I am not a slave to those influences.

I am, however a slave to my friends and work - for sure. I am a people pleaser. I often do things so that people will like me. I do more at work for recognition. I am a slave to my work because I want to do a good job. I am a slave to the people at work because I have a hard time with my boundaries and I can't seem to always say no. I work on this constantly. I often feel like if I were to really try to NOT be a slave to work or friends that I would become a bitch - or I guess really that I would be seen as a bitch.

So, you know that golden rule - do unto others as you would have them do unto you (or something like that). Maybe I take that too literally. I am a slave to my friends, doing countless favors to them, because I suppose I hope that one day they can return me the favors. If I was in need, I would hope that my friends would be there for me. I am a slave to work, doing things often above and beyond - not sure why I do this, but it's in my nature I suppose. I don't know how to not do it. Some weeks, I don't give work 110%, and I feel like crap because of this - like I've let them down in some way.  And in some cases, I now feel that people have come to expect things of me, so when I really want to tell them no, I can't, I feel I have no place to do so.

Let me reflect a bit more on work. I work at a church - my church. I have been told by a variety of people at my job that they don't want me to NOT come to worship on Sundays because I need a "break" from work. That people are asking me too many work questions on Sunday. My response is often - I don't mind. I suppose this is not entirely true - and my boundaries are not well defined on a Sunday morning. Here is as defined as I can get. If it revolves around the Sunday Service - if something that I have done during the week has made it such that something is not going smooth. If I forgot to print out enough bulletins, or if I forgot to put out a sign up sheet for something - basically if I should have done something during the week, and I have forgotten it on Sunday - I need to do it, and I don't mind being asked. If someone is trying to use the office equipment on Sunday - the copier, computer, etc - and they don't know how - please, by all means, ask me. This will save me, and you, heartache in the end. If someone is asking me to do something next week - leave a note on my desk. If you are wanting to sign up for something - leave a note on my desk (or sign up for it on the welcome table if that is where it is). If you want something announced in the bulletin - send me an email, please! If I got something wrong with some sort of announcement (i.e. date, time, etc) just announce it and send me and email or leave me a note gently reminding me of it. Most likely it was a typo. If I am on vacation, and it's not an emergency - don't call me on Sunday. What's an emergency? The PowerPoint NOT turning on properly is NOT an emergency. All the computers blowing up and I may have chaos in the office when I get back on Monday - that may be considered a minor emergency. Yeah, OK... no clear, black and white, boundaries for me. It's a grey area, I think. I mean, I feel it comes as part of the job. If you don't see me all week, and then on Sunday, you see me and ,oh, you remembered something you wanted to talk to me about, work related, I totally understand why you are coming up to me to talk to me about it - but really, leave me a note. I won't remember what it is you want me to do otherwise.

I suppose, in order for me to NOT be a slave to my work, I need to work a little harder on my boundaries. I have this book - boundaries... It's a christian book, maybe you've heard of it. I have the workbook too. yeah, I started it, and then I put it down about a year ago. Perhaps I should pick it back up again.

So, now, am I a slave to my habits. Actually, I almost wish I was a slave to my habits. I wish that my habits of working out, eating right, praying, reading, etc were ingrained enough that I absolutely had to do them or life would stop. When I do these healthy habits, I am such a better person. I'm not a slave to my bad habits either... Thank goodness I am not addicted to any substance that I have to be a slave to. I think that being a slave to your habits - your good, healthy habits, is not necessarily a bad thing.

Question #2

Here is Question #2 of Wesleyan Spiritual Practice - Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?

As a society, I think we exaggerate a lot. If you want a certain type of reaction, you have to exaggerate, or else no one notices.

I'm sure sometimes I exaggerate. When my kids are doing something annoying - I probably exaggerate the extent of their annoyance - I want the mom sympathy vote.

My husband sometimes accuses me of exaggerating time - I have what he calls "chronic time urgency" - so I am constantly exaggerating how little time we have. Hey, I don't like to be late.

I exaggerate my husband's short comings - using words like "always" and "never" - I know I do this a lot. Sometimes, in the moment, it "feels" like always, and never... but in reality, that is not the case.

Sometimes I exaggerate my attitude. I get depressed often - but I don't want to show it if I can help it. Usually you know if it's popping through, it's because I have exaggerated the happy attitude too much, and it has become exhausting to keep it up.

Sometimes, when things are going bad - I can exaggerate the awfulness.  Sometimes, it really is a bunch of stuff going on all at once - like yesterday - I swear it was one bad thing after another. And sometimes it's not a lot of bad stuff, but I might exaggerate it a little because I'm feeling so horrible - I feel I have to justify why I feel that way. 

Why is it that I always over exaggerate the bad - and not the good.  I don't think I have really over exaggerated the amount of money I donate to any charity or cause - maybe because I am ashamed at how little I do donate. Some people, I suppose, my feel that guilt and exaggerate the amount. I think if I did that, I would feel even more guilty. I have to be honest with myself - because I know that in turn is being honest with God. No one else is going to know if I have exaggerated or not - but God will.

Weslyan Questions - #1

Every day, members of the John Wesley's Holy Club asked themselves 22 questions in their private, daily devotions. Funny thing is, these questions are startlingly relevant today. Well, I want to take a little time to reflect on each question. I'm sure these will kick my butt!


Question 1: Am I consciously, or unconsciously, creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I a hypocrite?

No, I'm not a hypocrite... I'm just that awesome! -- ha ha... yeah right.
 
As I think on this question - my answer is most definitely YES. More unconsciously then consciously I'm sure - and also more because I have the best of intentions, just no follow through. In this area, I think more about my parenting.  There are some things that I know I've done right.  Bed time routine, for example, I nailed it right on the head. Other things, not so much. I see other kids get a bunch of screen time - their moms placing them in front of the TV for a movie, or to play video games. My favorite thing to say "Oh, I ONLY let my children have 30 min. a day of screen time. That is the recommended limit, after all." Reality - I'm a total hypocrite! Most school days my kids don't get a lot of time with screens, but 30 minutes? yeah right. That is so much easier said then done. An hour, or more, is more like it. 

Here is something I think about with this question spiritually - I am a Methodist. The Methodist slogan is Open Doors, Open Minds, Open Hearts (OK, maybe not in that order... I can't remember). I tell people that this is what I believe - but do I really? 

Open Doors - yes, I do believe in open doors. We should be a group of people who accept and welcome everyone! Then I started to think this - If someone, or a group of people, came in who looked as though they were obvious transients, would I welcome them? Well, at work, I do - because I have to. It's my job to be kind, and gentle. "How can I help you?" is my attitude. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your hard story" I say with a smile - give out food, phone numbers "sure, you can sit on the couch for a while out of the rain." - I would want someone to do the same for me, truly. Our church's extreme weather shelter is for people who are homeless, local or transient. Should I be open to them coming into my church for this necessity. I would be perfectly OK with helping them. Every person deserves respect and a chance to not freeze at night. I would welcome them. BUT, cue the exact same person, or group of people, coming into church on Sunday - I probably would not give them the time of day. I'm being honest here - if I saw the same sort of person come in, I would probably put up my radar, and I would be cautious. I would make sure my children steered away from this person - and I would probably watch these people like a hawk to make sure that they are being appropriate in the building. I most likely would not walk up to any of them and ask them how I could help them out, or if they needed help. I probably would not offer anything. I kind of don't like these thoughts. But if I'm being honest, take off my "Office Coordinator" hat and put on my "mama bear" hat, I don't want be "open" during my time in my safe church to someone that I obviously have a small wall in my brain against.

Open Minds - is my mind TRULY open to other people's points of view. I have always been able to see both sides of any issue - I often like to play devil's advocate. Thing is, just because I can see both sides doesn't always mean I can accept the other side as valid. Case and point - some conservative ways of thinking. While I can see their view on some issues like gun control or abortion, I cannot bring myself to accept their point of view. Sometimes, deep inside, I really feel they are wrong because they don't have the same view on some issues as I do. Outwardly, I may sound differently, even accepting of their point of view, because I don't want to cause any arguments - deep down I am different. It is one reason I do not talk politics with many of my friends and family. I have many conservative friends - and most of my natal family have conservative ideals. I learned to either say that I agree with them, and move on, or not talk about it at all. I have learned how to be the best hypocrite in this area.
 
Open Hearts - I feel that my heart is open - to all those who are in pain. I get a prayer request throughout my week - and I pray for everyone on the list - sometimes several times. I do not like knowing people are in pain. I probably would pray for the same transient people I listed above. I don't wish anyone ill will - and I'm being totally honest. 

Wow, when I started out with this questions, I didn't expect it to end like this. Now I need to decide what to do with my revelations. How can I change my hypocrisy? Do I want to?

Caring is Exhausting...

Some days I wish I didn't care! I think this is true for a lot of us. Caring can be exhausting, it IS exhausting . Most of the time, we care so much that we burn out. We either don't care for ourselves, and so therefor burn out happens, or sometimes we don't get something in return, causing burn out.  We all know that we say that we don't do something in order to get something out of it, but I have to go with Dr. Phil on this one...ALL actions have some sort of payoff. We ALWAYS get something out of every deed we do. Sometimes that payoff is the good feelings we get from helping someone in need. They don't have to do the reciprocating, the reciprocation of caring is in the deed.  Sometimes our pay off is a simple thank you, sometimes our pay off is money, or someone else doing a good deed for us (pay back) or for some a deed for others (pay it forward).

But there comes a time where you still continue to care - and there is no payoff. Perhaps what was working for you before - that good feeling of doing something nice, or calling up a friend out of the blue to hear their voice - isn't working anymore, and when this happens, caring feels like it doesn't matter. When our caring goes unnoticed - sometimes we stop noticing too.

I have reached that point - I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to care that I have few friends who call me up, just to see how I'm doing or to ask if I want lunch. I don't want to care that my church is always a mess because others don't clean up after themselves and there is no pride in the building. I don't want to care that parents don't often take the common courtesies to notify me if their child cannot make a lesson - or they conveniently forget.  I don't want to care that people take advantage of my good nature and call me at 9pm at night for something they need done the next day.

I really DON'T want to care about all that - but I do. I DON'T want to care what others think of me if I didn't care about all that, but I do. I DON'T want to care about how I would feel, ultimately, if  I really didn't care - but I do.

Truth is - 90% of the time, I clean up my church because I love my church and I want it to look nice - and if this means taking an extra hour out of my day to vacuum and take care of chairs - I do it. 90% of the time, I call up my friends because I want the pleasure of their company - and I know that they are busy and unable to think past their own list of items to do. 90% of the time I am silently relieved when I don't have to teach a lesson - though I'm sad for not having the extra income - I usually have so much on my list to do, it lightens the load.  90% of the time, I'm happy to help out in any way I can, and whether it's my job or not to be available at 9pm to do a work project, I enjoy it, and glad that I'm able to help out.

It's what happens the other 10% of the time that is hard. It sometimes worries me. I would be so easy to shut down and not care. But that's not me. 10% of the time I want to yell at someone to clean up their own mess instead of making me do it. 10% of the time I want to criticize my friends - telling them that I'm busy and I seem to find the time for my friends, why can't they! 10% of the time, I want to say "No, I can't do that project, it's 9pm and this is MY time - get a life and maybe stop procrastinating." 10% of the time I want to stop teaching because I just don't want to deal with parents any more.

Now I'm thinking about the few people who probably know me who read this blog are probably wondering am I talking about you? I dunno - I'm sure I've been guilty of doing one of the above to someone else (except the procrastinating... you all know I'm NOT a procrastinator) The thing is this week, I have been exhausted by caring - it makes me rather sad actually. I don't want to NOT care. I don't want people to stop coming to me with their problems, or to stop asking me to do special projects.  But, it's obvious that I'm not getting any payoff at this point. What has changed? I don't know. Maybe I do want a little recognition - I don't need it always, but sometimes it would be nice. Maybe I do need someone to call me out of the blue and ask me to lunch. I don't mentioned these things so that all of a sudden, others feel bad.  I bet if you look deep down - you feel this way sometimes too. OK, maybe I do wish that people would not procrastinate and would maybe think about how that affects other people. :) I guess what I'm trying to say is that the next time we see someone who doesn't seem to care - think about the times where you have gotten exhausted from caring. Perhaps they are in that space at that moment in time.

I don't want to NOT care - but that is how it is today. May you care deeply in my stead, and I'll try to be back up and running in no time.

Death & Rebirth

It's only a few days after Easter - so my mind has been on death - and rebirth. I think one of the things I struggle the most is the story of Easter. I suppose I am a bit of a doubting Thomas - I know that believing is seeing - and perhaps its a bit more in the language, but I just have a hard time with the resurrection of Jesus.

At times I think this is because of my own thoughts on mortality. Eventually I will die - I know this - and it scares me. Not death itself, but what comes after. Rationally, I cannot understand the idea of not feeling - of not thinking. When I am dead, my brain - my consciousness - will no longer be functioning.  There is not thought - there is no feeling. My soul will be someplace good, at least I want to believe that. But how will I truly know that I have gone to Heaven if I can't even think. I wrestle with this almost daily.

Recently, my husband and I have been watching the amc TV show - Walking Dead. I suppose I should be glad that there is not the alternative of becoming a zombie after death. But something that is interesting to me that I have picked up in this show is the ability to actually KILL a zombie - you have to shoot (or stab, or mangle) them in the BRAIN. Why the brain? Is it because there is no longer any consciousness? Do you have any thought while a zombie? What does a zombie think about?

This now makes me think of another movie - The Matrix. What is reality - but pictures interpreted by our BRAIN. Or as my husband would say, are we all just a brain in a vat somewhere?

So, if there is "rebirth" - but we don't have a brain to be interpreting it - how do we know it's there?

This is my philosophical side - the skeptic. 

In my gut - what I feel is the depths of my soul - I have this overwhelming feeling that it will all be made clear to me - but only when the time comes. I try to force myself to believe what everyone says, because it could be true - and because someone, something (God?) is pushing me to let the questions go.

There is a part of me that wants to, so desperately needs to, believe that not only is there some sort of afterlife, but also that it is something that we can interpret - that we can feel in some sort of way. I like the idea that when someone dies, they somehow look after you - whether its in some sort of spirit (ghost?) form, or their soul, but in some way helping you, guiding you. I like the idea that when I die, that it is another part of the journey - that it isn't just over and that's all there is. I like the idea of re-birth - and it's because of this that I do like the resurrection story - because it reinforces the idea of something more - and that I am worthy of it.

And then, maybe the Buddhists have it right - and we go through reincarnation - that through many re-births, we will learn from our past mistakes and eventually find everlasting peace. If this is true, I want to come back as a cat in my next life so I can learn to relax!

Why Me?

This morning I looked at my children - who were being totally self sufficient getting their breakfast and gear ready for school - and asked myself, why me? This was not one of those "why me?" questions relating to something bad that has happened - but rather the opposite.  I don't understand why I am blessed in this way. What have I done that makes me so special - I don't feel special, I'm just me.

In this past year, I have witnessed several of my friends have major marital problems (separations, divorce, etc), child bearing problems (miscarriages, unplanned pregnancies, inability to get pregnant, etc), child rearing problems (their child becomes pregnant, eating disorders, major health problems, etc) and money problems (inability to rent a decent house due to credit, loose their home due to no job, etc). And what have my problems been lately - oh they always seem big in the moment, but in hindsight, they are so small - my washer died (boo hoo, I have to go to the laundromat for a while), my child forgot his lunchbox at school for the 10th time, my dog has a growth on his belly that we can't get checked out because of lack of funds, my husband's car is about to blow up (but hey, it still works, sort of - you may have to climb in through the passenger side door, or you may hear it backfire down the street as it comes near you, but it still runs!), and my house has a smell in it that we can't get rid of, but we're pretty sure it's a dead mouse under the house.

Yesterday I learned that a friend of mine was having to cope with the knowledge that her 11 year old son, a child who is only a year older than my own son, has a serious eating disorder - bulimia. While I ache for my friend, and her family - knowing that they have already had their own trials with their youngest child and his developmental disabilities - I can't help but chastise myself for thinking my own problems were so huge, and for not counting my own blessings. I have been blessed with 2 extremely healthy, well balanced, active, and loving boys (and when we CHOSE to have children, got pregnant extremely fast, and had healthy, uneventful pregnancies).  If they get sick, it's with a cold once every couple of years. Our behavioral problems are fairly minor and ordinary - they both are smarty pants - getting amazing grades in school.  They are active in church and in boy scouts - shaping their moral minds into something wholesome - and they are pretty darned cute too.  Why me?

A week or so back, I was having some issues with my husband - he was in a bit of a funk, could possibly be categorized as depression, though he couldn't tell me if it was how he was feeling, and I suppose I'm not the best at seeing it.  Depression is a real sickness, and in my eyes, I wanted him to just name it so we could get it fixed. He's out of his funk now, got some activity, which we all know can combat some signs of depression, and he also took some time out in nature, got away from life's pressures for a moment. Even through all of that, somehow he and I remain strong. We have had to go through some extended family problems, and we have had times of great disagreement... yet there has never, truly, been a time where I wish that I was not married to him. I have wished that I could have space from him for an hour or two, but never not be married to him. Seriously, through thick and thin, we have been there for each other, and I know we always will. And all around me, I have friends who can't say this. It makes my heart ache, and it makes my mind go dizzy. I can't seem to understand why I can be so sure about something - which was why I made the commitment in the first place - and why someone else can't. I can't seem to understand why someone would fall out of love with another - for some reason, in my head it just doesn't compute - and perhaps that is because I truly have found my soul mate and this won't happen to me. It's hard to understand something when you haven't ever gone through it before. But how did I get so lucky? Not many people can say that they have married their first and only boyfriend... I can. And going on 14 years of marriage later, we truly are still strong. I love the nut, and for some reason, he loves me. Why me?

My house is nothing like I imagined I'd be in. There is no flooring at the moment - just pained particle board - and it's been this way for 3 years now with no end in sight.  There is something dead under the house - most likely a rat - that is stinking up my kitchen.  It's a mobile home that is worth pretty much nothing, and if we ever decide to move, we will probably have to walk away from it and the investment we have put in will be wasted.  My bathroom sink ONLY does hot water, and the floor under the toilet area is rotted due to a leak that was unnoticed for a while. In fact, I accidentally stepped through the linoleum one day, and now it's patched up with pink duct tape. Yes, our home has a lot of issues. I am not happy with my home - and yet, instead of all this negative, I SHOULD be thinking of my blessings. I HAVE a home. I have a roof over my head. I have someplace warm to be during the cold nights.  My home is safe, and my children feel safe in my home. Because of this home, we are able to provide other things for our children, that if we lived somewhere that cost more, we could not provide (i.e. pay for sporting and musical activities, summer camps, etc). For better or worse, it is my home. Why me?

So, I continue to ask myself : Why me? Why am I so blessed to have this while someone else may have to go through hell. I don't understand it. I refuse to think of the idea that was placed in my head when I was a child - God does good things for good people.  I don't always feel like I'm a good person, or that I always do good things. And I feel like all my friends are good people, yet they don't always have good things happen to them.  I also refuse to believe in the idea that if you believe in God that good things will happen to you. Many of my friends believe in God, yet this is not the case.  I constantly struggle with the fact that I have been so very blessed - and I don't know why. And sometimes I feel guilty about having so many blessings, and not recognizing them daily. 

So, today... I choose to pray for my friends in need, and to count my blessings - starting with the two that hugged me good-bye this morning before they walked themselves to school - and try to be thankful instead of wondering: Why me?

Not In My Own Backyard!

I have a pet peeve - I have a few, but I'll only talk about one right now. The NIMBY attitude, AKA Not In My Back Yard, really gets to me. Here are a few common scenario...

A community has a transient problem. I call it a problem because that is how society views it. People come in and out of this community, often staying on the streets, panhandling, bumming rides or gas. At a community meeting, a few people raise their voices - "We should have a safe place for anyone on the streets - transient or otherwise on tough times - to go for food, resources, etc." The community leaders begin to think about it and such a place is planned, drafted, and brought to the attention to the rest of the community. Then there are these voices - "That's great, but make sure it's on the outskirts of town. We don't want to give people the wrong impression." or "I don't mind you putting it way over there, but don't put it in my neighborhood." 

During a community meeting, several members bring up the idea and plan for a teen center. This center could be a place for teens to hang out, communicate with others in the community, dream, think, build, contribute to things around them. It would be a safe place for teens to explore and create relationships. During this same meeting, you would hear retorts that are similar to this: "Teens have no respect for their surroundings, if you build something like this, don't put it next to my house, or anywhere where other children are present." 

A community sees a need to help those with no home during extreme weather circumstances. Working together with community resource centers, churches, and other community agencies, an extreme weather shelter plan is dreamed.  Once this dream becomes a reality, one of the churches, who is part of the cooperative movement, begins hearing concerns from the many people who use their building.  "This is a great idea in general, but I think this is a bad idea for the church. The church could get robbed." or "I don't like the idea of homeless people staying in my place of worship."

You get the picture. Many people give the impression that they want to help others in need, but because of preconceived notions, they do not want to be directly connected in some way, usually geographically, to that help.

What is it said... I looked it up. It's Matthew 25:40 I believe. The version I have in front of me is the New Standard Revised Version, but it states: "Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me." I think of this, and what it says later in verse 45 "Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me."

The way I interpret this is that when we help those who are truly in need, no matter how low on the totem pole they may be, we are helping God. This does not mean that we will only help someone if we do it 10 miles away from our home. It does not mean helping out someone with outdated food because you had it left over in your cupboard. It does not mean encouraging a safe place for teens that is not directly located where teens live and hang out. It does not mean denying someone a warm place to stay when the temperature reaches freezing. And sometimes people with no home and no transportation cannot make it to a shelter 15-20 miles away, even though it is in the same county.

This makes me think of that wonderful Joan Osborne song - "What if God was One of Us?" - seriously, what if God was one of us - A stranger on a bus, the homeless man on the corner, the hungry child in line for food, the troubled teen needing a listening ear, the migrant worker in the field. Please find compassion to see the good in all people, and to encourage good and kindness - even in your own backyard!

Taking Care of Yourself - it's about balance

If you didn't know already, I am a church secretary - oh wait, we are not supposed to call it that any more. At one of my jobs I am called an "Office Coordinator" at another the "Office Manager" - both are just glorified names for Secretary, and I'm OK with that. Anyways, as a secretary, I get a lot of emails that I have to sort through at both churches that I work for.  Today I received one about rest - and it is such a coincidence as I do not rest!

I know what I'm supposed to do. Everyone is always telling me to take a break, don't work too hard, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF ... this is much easier said then done!!

Along with my Facebook addiction, I have an addiction to pleasing people. I strive to always do a good job, but not for me - for everyone else. I don't want people to be upset because of something I did, or didn't, do. In the past 15 years, I have at least learned to say no, about 20% of the time... hey, I am working on it! The past 3 or so years, I've been working on trying to take better care of myself - working out, eating better, doing things without children, etc.  Then I started working full time! All of a sudden, I have been completely off balance, and that part about taking care of myself has completely gone out the window.

Last week, my husband commented on how much he was running around because of the boys activities - I think I asked him to help out on Tuesday and Thursday of this week.  He was already exhausted. Welcome to my life! When it comes to my boys, I do NOT want my working full time to be an excuse for them to not be able to do activities... Thank goodness I have flexible jobs!

To give you a taste, here is a typical day in my life:
6:30AM - alarm goes off - slam on the snooze at least 3 times.
7AM - Shower
7:15AM - wake up one child - the other is already awake - and often I have to wake up the "big child" too.
7:30AM - Breakfast for all - get the boys on the bus by 7:55AM
7:55AM - drive to work - often a few min. late
8:00AMish - start Job #1
12:00noon - leave Job #1
12:00noon - start Job #2 (there is a bit of travel time in here too)
3:50PM - leave Job #2 - pick up children
4:15PM - drop off children at Swimming for Swim club/team - drive to McKinleyville to teach a lesson
4:30-5PM - teach a lesson
5:15PM - Pick up children from Swimming
5:30 PM - home for dinner - prep for evening activities (could be scouts, music stuff, etc) - and if time, do a little extra work that didn't get finished during the day for Job #2 (or save until boys go to bed at 8PM)

OK, that's pretty typical, but of course every day offers one or two variations.  By time I finally have even a few minutes to think about housework, it is 8pm. How am I really supposed to find time for myself? I can hear you now... give something up? Like I said earlier, I am not willing to give up any of the boys' activities just because I'm working full time. And working full time is not something I can give up at the moment.

My situation is a lot like other moms out there - and dads too. I can't relate to the dads, sorry.  I can't even imagine if I was a single parent! Some days I do feel like a single parent, but I have to think about the fact that I DO have someone else I can call if I need to. Telling a mom to give something up is like telling a goat not to eat a tin can. We know it's not good for us, but we can't help ourselves. The pressures of being a mom are intense enough as it is. And then, put on top of that other pressures like work, sports, and especially if you are a recovering people pleaser like me, it's even worse.  The past 2 1/2 months I have not been working up to standards - my own standards, which I know are higher then anyone else out there. But truly, I have been forgetful, I have been so tired that I have spaced out in conversations, I have yelled WAY too much at my family. I have no desire to socialize, though I make myself do it.

So... take care of yourself. This has been something that has taken a front burner in my life since the beginning of this month, when I hit a sort of bottom for myself. I knew I had to do something - so I started small. It wasn't rest, though I needed that, but I decided to at least start with nutrition. I had begun being in this rut of eating a LOT of fast food - and if you have ever seen the documentary "Supersize Me" you would know that fast food can lead to a lot of crazy depression and psychological issues.  So I ate better (and continued having a green juice in the morning - something I did start back in January). I also chose to start taking vitamins. It is costly, but important.  3 days later, I began feeling amazing. You know the first thing I noticed - I began sleeping ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NIGHT! Did I mention before that even though I was exhausted pretty much every day, I had horrible insomnia, or just fitful nights of sleep.  If I got 5 hours, that would be a good night - but those 5 hours wouldn't be continuous.  So, in a way, I DID get rest.  It was amazing how much better I felt just from that. 

I'm still not taking time to myself - though not being on Facebook, I have begun reading again - this is a little time to myself! But I'm getting there - starting to run again, so I get 20-30 min to myself when I do this. The next thing on my list to actually go out on a date with my husband once in a while...Balance, I hope it finds me sooner, rather than later.

Willpower

Willpower = your willingness combined with divine inner power.

In my last post on Lent, I was contemplating what to give up. I decided on giving up Facebook. This is proving to be better then I imagined.

Hello, my name is April and I'm a facebookaholic - it has been 5 days since I have logged onto facebook, and every day is one step at a time. Literally. The first two days, not too bad. Yeah, I wanted to go online, see what people were up to, play a few games, but I know this is just a time waster, so I didn't do it. 4 days go by, and I realized I never told my mom that I was taking a break from facebook. She and I converse most of the time through facebook - I guess this means we have to call each other more, or email (I am not crazy... I didn't give up ALL my technological vises!).  So, I give mom a call, got read the riot act for not telling everyone this is what  I was doing, and then we had a decent chat. Yesterday, a kid from church was using the church computer to be on facebook (hm... I pretended not to see, even though this is one thing I desperately do NOT want our youth using the church computer for, so I need to have a conversation with her, but I decided to do this another day) - I heard that ever familiar bell that tells you someone is chatting with you... I want to go see who it is! But, it's NOT for me because I'm not on Facebook.  Today, I wake up and do my usually checking of email, and I didn't even think about logging on to Facebook. My willpower has won, for now.

Without this time-suck called facebook, I've gotten so much more done. My house, is CLEAN!  I read 150 pages of my book just on Sunday! And I miss my friends...

Facebook simultaneously has a way of keeping us connected and not connected at the same time. There are so many people that I only converse with on Facebook. I use the chat option a LOT with Facebook. Those friends haven't called me to see how I am - they don't seem to notice I'm not there, because facebook has SO much going on.  But then, I haven't really called them either. I have the time, but I've been filling it with other things so I won't go on facebook! 

40 days, plus Sundays, is a long time. Every time I think about Facebook, I feel like I should be doing some sort of prayer...am I not really doing this Lent thing right? I mean, isn't it supposed to be that by denying yourself something, it brings you closer to God? And if you are trying to have willpower, you need to somehow discover that divine inner strength to keep moving forward, right? 

This is what I have learned so far. I love Facebook, I miss Facebook, I HATE Facebook, I miss Facebook. I have chosen to give up this thing that I somehow seem to idolize for God, to God. What was it that was said yesterday at Church - we were supposed to commit it to memory - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 - So this is something that I suppose I am learning. That I can give this up, and it is because I have willpower, but my willpower is stronger because of my faith. Lets see what the next few weeks, no... I mean the next day, has in store for me.

Lent

When I was a child, we always had a big pancake meal on Fat Tuesday - and when I say big, I mean BIG - as in at least 3/4 of our church family participated in it. And then, after this began the season of Lent. The only thing Lent ever meant to me was to give something up. Sometimes, this had a lasting affect on me - I remember one year, I decided to give up a bad habit. I used to chew my hair - I know this is disgusting, but you would be surprised as to how many girls chew their hair. Anyways, I decided I would stop chewing my hair for 40 days. I was 6 years old when I gave this up for Lent - it stuck! I haven't chewed my hair since.

I see on facebook a lot of my friends, typically my Catholic friends, talking about giving up chocolate or caffeine for Lent - I think to myself, should I give up one of my vices this year. I've done the no chocolate before, sometimes I make it the full time, sometimes I don't.

Last year, I decided to take my Lenten fasting to a whole new level - well, a new level for me.  I gave up my Starbucks coffee. Now, for those of you who don't really know me, not only do I love my Starbucks, but I love the loaded kind - my favorites being a non-fat white mocha, or a Cinnamon Dulce latte, or what about a coffee frappaccino with toffee nut syrup?! mmmmm. Plus, I work RIGHT NEXT to a Starbucks. My sister-in-law WORKS at Starbucks (so sometimes she hooks me up!) - so giving up my Starbucks, this was hard. This isn't like any little caffeine or coffee addiction. It's going into that place, chatting with the employees, smelling all the pastries. But, I gave up my Starbucks - and every time I felt the need to go get one, I would take the money that  I would have spent on that Starbucks, and I put it in a jar. When Easter was over, I gave that money away - last year it went to Relay for Life. And, of course, as soon as Lent was over - on Easter Morning - I was getting a Starbucks! :)

So, I've been thinking this year. What is it that I'm going to "give up." A church friend of mine, someone who I really love to talk to about spiritual things, was talking about fasting during a recent book study we were doing. An idea she had kind of stuck with me. Fasting should be uncomfortable - it is supposed to bring awareness. By fasting, you are looking deeper into yourself; of what is really important. And it can be simple things. We worship that which we are fasting from a little too much, and instead should focus on God. So, when fasting, give up something that will make you a little uncomfortable.

OK, so giving up my Starbucks last year wasn't really all that hard. Like any real addiction, the desire for it subsides a little, but even when I started, I knew I could do without my coffee. This year, I want it to truly be uncomfortable, so I can contemplate it spiritually.  I should give up Facebook! THAT would be uncomfortable. I give myself the excuse that Facebook is my connection to certain people - my mom for example. We chat all the time online through Facebook. If I wasn't online, well, then I would probably never talk to her - OK, I would be forced to pick up my phone.  My husband is another - I have Facebook on in the background a lot, so if I have a tech question, he is a click away... but it is a compulsion. I don't NEED it. Well, I do use it for work a little - both the churches I work for have Facebook pages. Hm... maybe I should give up spending - is that possible? I mean you have to buy food and gas, and such, thereby spending money - but no, I'm talking about excess spending, anything besides basic food and necessities... Is it possible for me? I am a bit of a shopaholic I'm realizing.

I haven't decided yet, it is Ash Wednesday, I should have decided yesterday so I could have properly indulged! (Though pumpkin-butterscotch pancakes was a GREAT way to indulge regardless of what I give up for Lent.) Have you decided to do some fasting for Lent? Think about it.